If any POF guys out there have a castration fetish, have I got the woman for you!

Hey guys, who among you would date a woman with a headline that sounds like it was written by Lorena Bobbitt? I think it is ironic, given her religion is "Baptist" and her profession is "caregiver." I know the Bible speaks of Eunuchs and it is better to cut off a hand than to sin and all, but I think I will pass on this one. I prefer to keep my penis attached to my body.

This is a good time to bring back a blast from the past...

POF's new "Ambition" category and the Psychopath

I haven't been on POF in a couple of months, because like most superheroes, I have a fucking day job. And this is my busy time of the year. You want to know what I do? I deal with psychopaths. Not, not murderers, rapists, and assorted career criminals, but the real scourge of society, politicians. This time of the year when legislatures around the country get together to find new ways to legally sodomize those of us stupid enough to elect them into office.

But thankfully I have a break from the monotony of drudging through mountains of legal jargon so I thought I would rail on my other favorite group of psychopaths, the POF daters. So now, POF has added yet another tidbit of info to our already self-flagellating profiles, the "Ambition" category.

As if there wasn't enough for us to feel miserable about, especially those of us judged for not having six-pack abs and six figure incomes. Now you have to tell the world you are either a lazy, slothful bastard or a backstabbing, step-on-toes, conniving psychopath. This is even more damning than trying to find that balance between "I just want a fuck buddy" and "our second date is a wedding chapel in Gatlinburg." Fuck.

So pick your poison. All sound shitty to me.

NOT AMBITIOUS: You live in your mom's house playing World of Warcraft or jerk off to various fetish "pr0n" (anyone still use 2000 era internet slang?). You probably weigh as much as the house you live in.

SOMEWHAT AMBITIOUS: You probably still live with your mom but you have a dead end job and maybe have a paid subscription to a couple of pr0n sites. But at least you may meet the base minimum requirements of having a "house, car and J-O-B" if you are smart enough to explain it properly.

AMBITIOUS: You are a self-serving prick who treats people like chattel and you don't mind stabbing people in the back to selling off your child to get what you really want in life.

VERY AMBITIOUS: The ultimate prick. Unlike the regular ambitious person, you have likely backstabbed someone with an actual knife. You probably mutilated defenseless animals and set fires at some point in your life, but decided your sadism is a better match for the sycophants of Corporate America, who take your abuse and come back for more, and that psychological torture is far more satisfying than flat out killing people.

If you think I'm full of shit, consider the fact that psychopaths thrive in Corporate America. Bad bosses are likely to be psychopaths. This, of course, extends to the dating scene. The thing that really annoys me is how many "ambitious" women still demand a man be willing to take care of them financially instead of making their own money (or, to use the basic term, a "gold digger"). How about this, ladies. YOU go get a house, a car, and a J-O-B.

The good news is now, I can pick women with little to no ambition, so I can avoid the psychopaths out there. But then again, psychopaths and clever and manipulative. Well fuck.

Translation, please!

I need a favor. Does anyone have a ghetto-to-English translator? If so, please decipher this shite. This is the epitome of bad grammar and spelling. This is the Alabama Crimson Tide dynasty of bad English.

This brings up an important question. At what age should be people quit talking like this?

Miss High Maintenance

If there is one kind of profile I cannot stand, it is the "princess" types. Demands to be spoiled, high maintenance, that sort of thing. I think the more appropriate would be "gold digger," since high maintenance and spoiled usually means "buy me stuff."

Okay, lets be honest, if you are on POF it is generally because you don't have a lot of money, and POF is free for the most part. So why are so many WOMEN expecting a man with "their shit together" in such a bad economy? If you're looking for a "one percenter," you're on the wrong website.

Here is a prime example, from a profile in my local area:

First off, the reason so many people in their 30s are "broke, no job, no car" is because we have a crappy economy. Lady, you live in a metropolitan area consistently ranked as one of the 10 poorest cities in America.

Second-- FOUR kids? Not just kids at that, "bratty ass kids!" That world doesn't have room for a man. Who wants a ready-made family? Not me.

Third, high-maintenance and want to be treated like a princess." As I already stated, it screams "gold digger."

On the up side, she's "independent." She doesn't really NEED a man. That's a relief.

I beg to differ on her opinion of herself as an "amazing" girl. But see, you women think you can write this shit, sound like a total bitch, and guys are going to eat it up because you're a thin blonde bimbo. But she got knocked up four times so apparently men find her hot enough, I guess. She's definitely not for me.

Here is the thing. Many men won't date women with kids. I don't blame them. America is a liability minded culture, and kids are a liability. To use the cliché, kids bring lots of "drama." Babby daddy drama, junior gets sick at school, and kids get attached to people way too quickly, so if you're not trying hard to be a heartless bastard, you grow an attachment to them as well. Of course, in the back of everyone's mind is the false allegation thing, and no one wants that kind of drama. Kid free is the way to be. It sounds mean but it is true.

Good lucking finding a rich man, princess. Your handsome prince isn't on POF.

My new and improved "official" POF profile

My new official Angry POF Guy profile. Not as detailed as the last, but maybe this one won't be eliminated by the POF profile Nazis.

http://www.pof.com/viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=32130360

"I am a baggage toting drama king who is only going to date you to get back at the ex. Therefore you must be hotter than hell, or at least hotter than my ex. Being thin, blonde, and bouncy gets top billing.

If you want to get into my pants, you must have your own place-- not living in your momma's basement. You must have a car, and the nicer the better, so no Mickey D's wrappers and baby goo on the floor and seats. And it is imperative you have a J-O-B (Don't you love it when I am so condescending I feel the need to spell it letter by letter?); and not just a job, but a "career." if you want "bling," work for it, and if you think that sex is a fair trade for financial secutiry, you want the escort site, not POF.

I don't have a car so the burden falls upon you to drive me around. See my requirements above. I guess since I don't have a car this means I'm a fat lazy slob as opposed to being down on my luck because some beeyotch took me for a ride and cleaned out my account or my company downsized, which brings me to point number two, I don't have a job either. I don't need one because I think I look hot and if i show a little cleavage and flash a winning smile, I don't need to have either while expecting a member of the opposite sex to have one of their own.

Ladies, for the love of God, please stop messaging me for sex. I prefer the frigid and callous women who won't put out and love to play silly head games at POF. That's my kind of woman. Ooh, and it turns me on even more when you ladies lie about what you want. And I am more turned on when you take selfies of your bosoms and legs while demanding I don't drool like Homer Simpson staring at a stake.

Know what else I love? Women that refer to their pets as "fur babies" and pamper them like children. If you talk about your pets as if you gave birth to them, I can't help but to question your sexuality. You do realize bestiality is still a crime in most states, except maybe Kentucky.

Even more so, I love those of you who are so unimaginative you feel the need to use tired clichéd movie and song titled. I love sifting through the hundreds of "Must Love Dogs," "There's something 'bout a truck," and "Sleepless in _____" headlines, they are just so catchy and stand out among the thousands of other unimaginative women who do this who also select "hopeless romantic" as their personality. Hopeless? Try helpless.

So if you are as fake and as demanding as I am, HMU. If you don't know what that means, then introduc yourself to a search engine. God helps those who helps themselves."

Gripe for the day: Whoever works on the POF website needs a geography lesson

I decided to check my profile for the first time in weeks, and I have a minor complain (I know, stop the presses, right)?

Here's the deal-- if you don't use the "search" function to narrow your search, and pick one of those six random women at the top of every profile page, or that "online' function, you can get someone in a metropolitan are 100+ miles away.

I live in Cincinnati, Ohio (Chilitown USA, BTW), and I don't consider Columbus OH, Dayton OH, Louisville KY, Lexington KY, or Indianapolis IN "local." Let me put it to you this way-- if you don't even have a Skyline Chili or Gold Star Chili restaurant in your neighborhood, you are not "local" to me.

As you can imagine, I have had my moments where I finally see an intriguing profile, and I want to send a message. But wait! I need to pull out the Atlas (they still make those things) and find some town called "Xenia, Ohio." Or "Pikeville, Kentucky." Personally, I'd like to date someone from Intercourse, Pennsylvania, but instead I dated the woman from Hell, Michigan (well, if you're gonna get hitched you may as well go to Hell while you're at it).

Aside from getting a regional geography lesson, there is another small issue-- the fact we haven't had reasonable gas prices since the Clinton administration. Unless you can afford a hybrid, those gas prices become a factor in decision making. Forget love conquering all, Big Oil conquers love.

Maybe instead of "looking for sparks," you should be looking for someone combustible instead.

Bottom Line:

POF, fire your web designer.

If I have a house, a car, and a job I can date Justin Beiber!

Let me start off by saying the "Pixie" cut is an abomination before the Lord, and whoever created it deserves to spend time in each of the nine circles of Hell. Ladies, the Pixie cut is the female equivalent of the male Douchebag haircut, not to mention it makes you look like Justin Beiber.

One of these pics is Emma Watson, allegedly, and the other is Bieber.
Or maybe these are both Bieber pics.

Please ladies, RETIRE THE PIXIE CUT!!!!

So today, I found a profile on POF that was so bad, I just had to come here and cap on it:

There are three things inherently wrong with this profile. Number one-- BEIBER HAIR IN PINK! Need I say more?

Number two, This person is a HAIR STYLIST! What scares me even more is the thought that a hair stylst would think Pink Beiber Hair (tm) is hot.

Number three, while selecting she doesn't want a "serious relationship," (and we all know what "wants to date but nothing serious" means on POF, wink wink nudge nudge), it is mandatory you have a house, job, and car. There is a term that would describe this kind of behavior. Oh yes, GOLD DIGGER. (Well, maybe "hooker," but only if a guy has a Beiber fetish).

Well, I was wrong about the tattooed artsy types. I always thought they were anti-Capitalist, hippie lover types, but I was wrong. So guys, if you love the Bieber look and want a fling, do I have the gal for you!

Its my [pity] party and I'll cry if I want to...

I don't like being mean. Angry, yes, mean no. It just isn't my thing. But I am bitter. So I am goofing off on POF, looking at the pathetic profiles of women looking like... well, does anyone remember the Simpson's episode where Homer and Marge break up and Homer stays in the apartment building for divorced men, with all the wailing and gnashing of teeth (and I think a suicide?). I can't remember the exact episode, but I digress. The point is, despite women having it made on the site, as proven by my now infamous Angie POF Gal experiment, woman still complain in droves of their impotence at finding a hot guy online. Cry me a fucking river.

So here is a prime example. I have a hard time pitying her because she turned down a friend of mine for a date (because remember, men, nice guys finish last), and now we see her lamenting like her misfortune over not finding someone on POF. You can call it the angry, cynical personality talking here, but I believe that many women come to POF with expectations befitting of an Air Force slogan-- Aim High.

In the end, it is like walking down skid row seeing the same winos boozing it up and begging for change for years on end. I can leave POF (which I did because I found someone), come back (because the someone I found sucked and not in the pleasurable way), and see the SAME FUCKING PEOPLE. Then again, if I'm going back there it means I'm also a loser, so maybe I shouldn't take that thought any further, for ego's sake.

Ladies, lower your expectations.

This is bullshit! A POF Success Story

True story-- I have a brother who lives in another state. He married young. How young? Young enough to need his parents to sign the legal documents allowing the marriage (I'm trying not to give out TMI here). So he's been married since the Bush administration--Bush Sr., that is, not "Dubya."

At any rate, after over two decades of marital...um, bliss (Or Hell, depending on perspective), my brother and his wife are getting a divorce. And since the wifey pulled a Jerry Springer Show and shacked up with another man, my brother decided to upgrade to a better woman. So guess where he landed? Good ole' POF. The same fucking site that has been a thorn in my side since Bush #2 was in office.

And would you believe by brother found love on the first try? WHAT! THE! FUCK!

He did what took me three years to achieve -- a date. And he did what I could never do, find someone to love. How? He should write a fucking book. Seriously. He needs to buy my lottery tickets. If he visits me as he's threatened to every year since I moved back up north, we're hitting the casinos and the Mega Millions.

I feel almost like Bruce Nolan after Evan Baxter was promoted instead of him.

Like extracting teeth...

Just when I thought of promoting this blog, life happened. I had a huge project come up, and I met

someone. That latter part means I haven't needed to waste my time strutting like a peacock on POF. Instead, I donned a chicken hat for Oktoberfest.

The thought of even returning to POF is like extracting teeth. And yet, how many of us not only return to POF but feel the need to proclaim that fact as if it is some kind of mark of infamy. Has the US Government started handing out medals of honor for our failures on an online dating site? They must be, or people wouldn't brag about it so much. yeah, I've done three tours of duty at POF, been shot in the heart and was a POW (of love) for X years before escaping.

It should be a prerequisite for those returning to POF to explain exactly how they ended up on POF, especially if they found love and then lost it. At least going to POF would be more entertaining. I really have no POF stories of note-- I quit out of annoyance. Thrice. (Who says thrice anymore? Me. That's who.)

So I could share a random dating disaster story for shits and giggles.

Like this gal, only way bigger.
I like my gals thick, what can I say?

I once dated a "Gothic Chick" when I was in my 20s. She was younger than me, which is a rare thing for me, as I am a certified Cougar Hunter (tm). It was fairly intense. She even had me wear her spiked collar, which led to many offers of Kibbles and Bits from my co-workers. At any rate, we dated a couple of months and on my birthday, we went to a rock concert. She was always hanging around this girl she claimed was her cousin. So back to this rock concert-- as I'm making out with my girlfriend, her cousin gives me the Evil Eye. I asked my girlfriend what's up with her cousin, and her reply was the cousin just wanted me.

Well, after we broke up, I ran into a friend of the Gothic Chick. As you may have suspected, this cousin was not her cousin. The day I dumped Gothic Chick, she informed me she was bisexual and had a girlfriend. Well, her friend informed me this "cousin" was actually Gothic Chick's girlfriend! And to think I bought the cousin's concert ticket as well.

To think, I was the only one out of the loop here. I honestly didn't know. I was pissed at the time but now I think it's fucking hilarious. No, I wasn't offered a Three-Way (and not the Skyline Chili kind), but if she offered I would have said HELL NO! I'd prefer the Skyline Chili 3-way because it is tasty. I never liked this "cousin." But I digress.

Does a bad date beat no date at all? I guess at the time we all think so. Maybe that's why we keep going back to POF. For some of us, what other alternative do we have?

I do have some POF dating disasters, though they don't beat the Goth Gal story. Maybe I'll share them on a bad day.