Markus tries to stuff the pirhanas back in the proverbial Pandora's Box.

Hello, my fellow POF masochists! No doubt you got one of these messages in your inbox. This damned cockblocker has officially killed my Cougar fantasy so I was so pissed I deleted my real profile. Anyways, there have been a few noticeable changes to POF over the years, most notably the loss of a few features that were once free. Simple little things like if a person read a message you sent. Seems the only one fishing is Markus! These changes are more dramatic than he realized. So my rant for tonight is limited to this message.

#1: The sexual message ban: As a strict legalist, I demand a full explanation of this. I am a man, so I almost see this as a challenge to see how far the envelope can be pushed.

Men (and my ex-wife) have a propensity to turn any act of inserting one object into another object into a sexual reference.

"I'll stuff my fortune in your cookie."

My ex made that one up and got so tickled she pissed her pants and soaked the couch. It is no wonder she told me I can keep that couch after we broke up. But I digress.

#2: the 15-year age rule: Markus believes that the only purpose for any two people of such an age difference is to hook up. I happen to prefer dating women as much as 20 years my senior. That is my preference. I'm also in my mid-30s. Am I at risk to be victimized by a geriatric sexual predator?

Racquel Welch, age 70. *slurp*

Personally, if by small chance Susan Sarandon, Ann-Margaret, Marie Osmond, Sophia Loren, Bernadette Peters, or even Kirstie Alley stumbled upon POF, I hate the thought of missing that opportunity to date one of them just because a few 18-year-olds complained of getting flirts from some old codgers. This is the internet, after all. It gives men testicles of steel, and women, well, whatever you want to call the female equivalent of balls. Ovaries of steel?!?

#3: No more Intimate Encounters: Well, y'all, it looks like POF is going to wither away and die. It was fun while it lasted. I think contributing this to the cell phone app it a bit of a stretch.  One of my readers has actually suggested I sign up as a hot chick just for kicks, so Markus may be right on this one. (As an aside, there needs to be a category for those of "other" gender identifications such as transsexual).

That being said, it seems a feel-good measure. We can all read between the lines. "No commitment" and "wants to date but nothing serious" = "hookup." It wouldn't be Plenty of FISH if there weren't any HOOK-ups (love those fish puns). But then it goes from that straight into the "relationship." Isn't this as unreasonable as expecting sex on the first date. I'm just as creeped-out by a woman planning a wedding on a first date? (And yes, I have had a few like that.)

Markus has opened Pandora's Box and now wishes to stuff the demons back in the box. Good luck with that.

Random POF Profile Rants: Human mutilation, Eating Hobbits, and Background Checks

Hello, fishies! Sorry I haven't been around much, but life happens. Anything to get away from the "joys" of online dating is fine by me. But I have a blog to maintain and people to entertain, so here I am!

Now that I am finished ranting about the basics of the POF website, the real fun of reading random profiles begins. It is very hard to believe the things people actually put on their dating profiles. This begs the question – if a picture is worth 1000 words, then what is a screenshot of words worth? In this case, probably a few good laughs. Let us begin. ( The following screenshots are of actual POF profiles. I most cases, they are unaltered except to remove any identifying information.)




COMMENT: I can only imagine how low your self-esteem must be to even bother messaging a woman who write such a comment at the beginning of her profile.  Not only does this woman   qualify for a lifetime supply of lithium, chances are any man unfortunate to be with her will eventually need some form of mind altering substance to maintain a stable relationship with this individual. Remember that in many ways, online dating is like a job interview.  Imagine going to a job interview and cussing out your potential employer the moment you step into his office. How many people have gotten a job by screaming at the interviewer? This is the POF, not the WWE.

COMMENT:  What kind of fruit bat requests a background check on the first date? In my previous post, I discussed how some POF profiles resembled government security clearance checks, then I find this on an actual profile , and it blew my mind! I am simply amazed she did not add a polygraph and a penile plethysmograph to her list of demands. (I hope she is not reading this, I do not want to give her any more ideas.) It is worth noting that before Ted Bundy was arrested for his murder spree, he had no prior record. That is how he went undetected all these years.  A serial killer, once caught, never leaves prison, so a background check is not going to catch one.

My Comment:

Sorry, couldn't resist =p. Seems okaly but let's be honest, I am not sure you could find someone with all those qualifications on POF. Moving on...

COMMENT: She may not take drugs, but she may want to consider taking something prescribed by a psychiatrist. This lady is a real Jekyll and Hyde. "I don't like Public Displays of Affection maybe if its with the right person!" Which is it? Do you like kissing in public or not? "Don't expect me to hold your hand and kiss you if I just meet you 10 min ago!?!" When you place a question mark between two exclamation points, is Internet lingo for you are asking a question hysterically.

While we are on the subject of being picky, I am quite picky about grammar. To say you discriminate against people with "bad BREATHE" implies you have a problem with people born with asthma.  Breath= exhale, breathe=inhale+exhale. That e makes a difference.

How does one loose 40 pounds? Is it loosed TD Jakes style?

Right now, there is a gray-eyed, asthmatic, bearded cat lover spared the joys of meeting this crazy woman online. Y

 

COMMENT:

No, you won't. You are just a one-time shopper.

No, you won't. You are just a one-time shopper.

No, you won't. You are just a one-time shopper.



No, you won't. You are just a one-time shopper.



 

COMMENT:

Nothing brings two people closer together than the mutual mutilation of a human body. Speaking of mutilation, Notre Dame was mutilated in the national championship game by the Crimson Tide 42-14. So to date this woman, you must truly be sadistic for wanting to torture others, and masochistic for cheering for football teams that suck major ass.

COMMENT:

There is nothing quite like good old-fashioned online drama! I would like to note that despite supposedly being on POF to try to catch her cheating significant other, she spent an awful lot of time filling out her personality profile and posting pictures of herself, so apparently the shark is on the hunt for some other kind of prey.

COMMENT: No, This is not the same person as the background check lady, but she may as well be. I have to admit  I am a bit confused; I think I made that proverbial wrong turn at Albuquerque and have transcended the fine line between POF and career builder.com. Lady, you don't  want POF, you want millionaires.com.










Last but not least: Frodo! DO NOT DATE THIS WOMAN! Do hobbits taste like chicken?