Today's rant isn't about anyone specifically, or even just about POF, although this behavior is common. I just want to get something off my chest.
Lets face it, no matter what men do on any site-- POF, Meetme, any other dating site or just any social networking site, the expectation is that we are dashing princes with six-pack abs and a matching six figure income. The man is a rich, handsome, and selfless prince who sacrifices all to give the princess a "Happily Ever After" lifestyle.
I'm not being facetious. In fact, I am using this analogy intentionally. I believe that this princess mentality goes back to childhood. I know, how Freudian. Well, pull up your couch, because we are (briefly) exploring how our childhood has fostered this princess mentality.
It should be no surprise that there is something called the "[Disney] Princess Effect." (Some sources say "Disney Princess Effect and some sources don't add the word Disney.) Obviously, it is easy to invoke the penultimate rags-to-riches princess story, Cinderella. Who isn't familiar with the plot? Poor Cinderella and her "wicked stepsisters and stepmother" who work her to death; denied a chance to go to the ball to meet handsome prince by said wicked stepfamily (note no father or even an elaboration where the father is, at least in the Disney version); altruistic fairy Godmother provides Cinderella the means to go to the Ball (lets face it, good looks isn't enough, you have to pick the right outfit too, ladies. Those glass slippers and magical costume really stands out, you know); Cinderella wows the Prince, and the Prince ultimately saves Cinderella from her life of drudgery and they live happily ever after in the Prince's castle.
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| Princes Charles: In the Disney world, he'd be a better Dumbo than Prince |
Lets face reality here-- there are not that many Princes in the world, and not all are dashing (Prince Charles, anyone?). Kate Middleton was no commoner (her parents run a successful mail-order business worth millions), nor was Princess Diana. Cinderella appeals to Americans in particular because of the "rags-to-riches" story that embodies another silly myth of our culture, "The American Dream." Not the wrestler, the myth that by simply working hard, you too can become your own rich Prince (forgetting the fact that the post-WW2 "Baby Boom" was the result of a global economic anomaly in which the US was the only country for a time who could supply the world's resources. It is easy to be #1 when the rest of the world was busy rebuilding from the war).
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| Well, Dusty Rhodes is SHAPED like many Americans :) |
But I digress. There are a number of people who cite this Disney Princess Effect as having a number of lasting and lifelong effects on girls.
Peggy Orenstein wrote a book titled "Cinderella Ate My Daughter" in 2011. It warns that "premature sexualization to the risk of depression to rising rates of narcissism, the potential negative impact of this new girlie-girl culture is undeniable." I think she focused a lot on the overt sexualization aspects (we see how many of the women who proclaim "Don't message me for sex" on POF love to pose in sexually suggestive ways), but I am more concerned with other psychological effects, such as the narcissism. The Internet does foster a lot of narcissism-- think selfies and Facebook profiles/ statuses "I just pooped today" or maybe a selfie while on the throne for dramatic effect. And it certainly shows in many POF profiles. I've certainly complained a lot about the demanding profiles on here already, so feel free to refer to earlier posts.
Combine all that with the these questions from another article on this effect -- But do any of these princess upgrades matter when the stories’ all-is-resolved “happily ever after” always includes marriage? In the more recent movies, Disney Princesses are more "empowered" than ones in the past (Rapunzel and Tiara), but Happily-ever-after still includes the "handsome rich Prince." It poses a good question relevant to online dating. Our current generation are more "empowered" than in times past. More women work and manage the household than in times past. And yet, there is still this obvious expectation that men will be rich, handsome, and generous.
Another observation from the CSMonitor:
"Mary
Finucane started noticing changes in the way her 3-year-old daughter played.
The toddler had stopped running and jumping, and insisted on wearing only
dresses. She sat on the front step quietly – waiting, she said, for her prince.
She seemed less imaginative, less spunky, less interested in the world.... She
decided to research the princess phenomenon, and what she found worried her.
She came to believe that the $4 billion Disney Princess empire was the first
step down a path to scarier challenges, from self-objectification to
cyberbullying to unhealthy body images. Finucane, who has a background in play
therapy, started a blog – "Disney Princess Recovery: Bringing Sexy Back
for a Full Refund" – to chronicle her efforts to break the grip of Cinderella,
Belle, Ariel, et al. on her household."
So there is a fair amount of discussion on this topic. However, the focus is on body image more than other psychological issues, such as being an online dating disaster. Why the big focus on body image? All a woman has to do is show a little skin and no matter what she looks like a fair amount of men will say that is hot and they want her. Even the Disney Princesses glam up with dresses, sashes, and makeup, even if the birds and forest creatures don't sing jaunty tunes for you while doing it. So what's the problem?
Of course, Disney merely provides a means of entertainment. Hell, they didn't even create Cinderella; Cinderella has been a fairy tale since at least the 1600s, if not sooner. The REAL problem is.... US! Regular, average people. Well, those of us who are parents, that is. You see, most of us raise our little girls TO BE princesses. Ironically, men are even worse about it. Daddy's little princess.
Think about that for a moment. Who is the most influential person in a child's life, and who sets up the stage for a person's entire life? Who is the person that decides fist and foremost what a child can or can't have? A Parent, that's who. And when a parent teaches a girl that she is a Princess, well, Disney can illustrate princess behavior to a point. The stereotype of the overprotective father isn't far from reality (The recent story of the Texas man shooting her teen daughter's boyfriend in her bed is a recent extreme example of this protective nature). How many of us are teaching our daughters not to "settle," and what do we teach when we say that? What is "settling," for that matter?
Lets face one more reality here. If you live in a rural community, you married young, maybe even before you went off to college. Many more of us marry during those early college years or right after college. This weeds out many would be suitors. So by the time you are pushing the big 3-0, you are starting to weed through the rest as a granny might sift through the Manager's Specials basket at a grocery store, trying to find something among the slightly dinged cans of soup and the slightly torn boxes of spaghetti and the stuff that expires in a day or two. And yet, here you are looking for the perfect deal out of what is left, demanding perfection while sifting and sifting. Then, the women lament they can't find a "good man."
There are plenty of "good men," ladies, but we aren't all "Princes." We're not all rich and handsome (I assure you, rich, handsome people don't use POF to get laid). We are "average Joes." Some work hard but make diddly-squat after taxes. Some of us are a little chunky (after all, "healthy" food isn't cheap. The economy sucks ass. Cars are expensive and, if you live in an urban area, unnecessary to get around. This is 2014, not the 1300s. Go out and get a J-O-B and get your own place and car if that's what you want. After all, wasn't that what the latest Disney Princess did?
And guys, if you have little girls, don't raise them to be selfish, spoiled princesses. You are part of the problem. So, be part of the solution. Be a man and fix this problem. Stop being a passive-aggressive dick to the next generation.
For one thing, you seem to be a bit misinformed about the Disney Cinderella movie, despite having read so many articles on the subject. The father is referenced, it's the opening scene of the movie, granted it's about three stills with a little narration, but it's there. Cinderella was loved by her father, he married the stepmother, he mysteriously dies, the stepmother is seen showing no remorse or sadness over his death while standing over a mourning young Cinderella. Also, is it really so bad that someone who be attracted to the idea of an idealist partner? Do you not wish for a well put together, well-off, attractive woman with a complimentary personality? You talk as if it's some fault of a woman to be attracted to the attractive. You also seem to be misguided about what it's like to be a woman, if you really think we can all just show off a little skin and a slew of nice men are falling all over themselves to tell us how pretty we are, regardless of how we look. That's not the reality, granted, yes a lot of women can show of skin and have some guys who love it... They typically aren't the guys we want(even those of us who have standards you'd approve of), but then there is the slew of men and women who then judge those girls negatively for doing so, or the implication that they then don't have a right to tell any guy they're not interested in having sex with him.. Not to mention the slew of reports of bigger girls being more likely to have their skin shots reported and taken down on social media than a more idealistically attractive female.
ReplyDeleteAh, the beauty of free speech. You're free to think what they want, and quite frankly, I'm not really interested in having an in-depth philosophical debate about the intricacies of a Disney Princess cartoon that I haven't watched since I was an angry POF toddler. But people watch the same movie and come back with a different interpretation of the meanings of the movies. Obviously the Disney formula is evolving in response to the changing values of our culture, but Cinderella has been a meme in our culture far longer than, say, Tiana or Elsa. But that's an article for a different blog.
ReplyDeleteWe all have our ideals. My ideals have changed over time as I grew up. I wanted to fly fighter jets someday because fighter jets were fucking awesome! However, being a fighter pilot requires certain characteristics I lack. Ideals are ideals, and we can't all achieve those ideals, be it soaring through the sky in an F-15 or finding a single sexy millionaire on POF.
You sound like a feminist, by the way, and feminists certainly have a misguided view about a lot of things.
You'll have to read my social experiment where I posed as a female on POF for a week, and I suggest you pose as a man at POF for a week as I did using the same format as I did. Do it, and tell me how many women line up to tell you how handsome you look. Go on. I'm waiting.
"Do you not wish for a well put together, well-off, attractive woman with a complimentary personality?" Attractiveness is relative. A lot of guys might be attracted to Miley Cyrus but I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole. Looks is not the only measure of worth, and attractive features do not offset terrible personality flaws. But what is attractive to me is not a standard that all men have. To be honest, I'm not even in the market for a deep relationship. I've been married before, it didn't work out, and we both moved on years ago. But I'm open to the possibility if I meet the right one.
I'd love it if Hannah Davis popped up on POF and said yes to a date, but I'm not going to pass up someone who isn't a rich swimsuit model while I wait. I might miss the person I was meant to be with in the process! And, from MY point of view (this being MY blog and all), I see lots of women setting impossibly high standards and thinking they are too good to "settle for less." Yes, the princess syndrome plays a role in all this. And yes, men have played their part in all this by perpetuating the princess mentality. These are all astute observations. You can choose to believe them or not, but facts are facts.
Even if I was rich, I wouldn't want a high-maintenance woman with a princess mentality. I would NOT date Mariah Carey. She's hot, she's rich, but that diva crap would drive me insane. Besides, I'd be donating most of my money to charity and continue to live by modest means.