CREEPS STAY AWAY before I mace ya ass!

Hey fellas, if you live in my shitty area of the country, then I found the "best" the Nasty 'Nati has to offer.

The good news-- she has founded her own production company. I'm not sure what it consists of, but hopefully that means she won't be staring at my wallet.

On the downside, unless getting maced and shanked is your thing, I doubt your first date will be all that great. Not only will this bitch "mace ya ass," she may even write a book about it, too.

This, my readers, is why I'm not dating again  until I leave Ohio.

The Angry POF guy's original profile

I stumbled upon my original Angry POF profile the other day. This is the profile that inspired this blog and got a lot more attention than my real-life profile.

The story behind it is quite simple-- I am just an average guy with decent writing skills who wasn't finding much success on POF. One day I simply became agitated and wrote this fake profile. This fake profile received more positive responses than my real profile. I don't know why, I was intentionally trying to be a jerk. But whatever.

Amazingly it was up a full year before POF deleted it. I suppose someone FINALLY was offended by the profile. (By the way, you can right-click the pics to see them in full size so you can read it).

Random POF Profile Rants: Human mutilation, Eating Hobbits, and Background Checks

Hello, fishies! Sorry I haven't been around much, but life happens. Anything to get away from the "joys" of online dating is fine by me. But I have a blog to maintain and people to entertain, so here I am!

Now that I am finished ranting about the basics of the POF website, the real fun of reading random profiles begins. It is very hard to believe the things people actually put on their dating profiles. This begs the question – if a picture is worth 1000 words, then what is a screenshot of words worth? In this case, probably a few good laughs. Let us begin. ( The following screenshots are of actual POF profiles. I most cases, they are unaltered except to remove any identifying information.)




COMMENT: I can only imagine how low your self-esteem must be to even bother messaging a woman who write such a comment at the beginning of her profile.  Not only does this woman   qualify for a lifetime supply of lithium, chances are any man unfortunate to be with her will eventually need some form of mind altering substance to maintain a stable relationship with this individual. Remember that in many ways, online dating is like a job interview.  Imagine going to a job interview and cussing out your potential employer the moment you step into his office. How many people have gotten a job by screaming at the interviewer? This is the POF, not the WWE.

COMMENT:  What kind of fruit bat requests a background check on the first date? In my previous post, I discussed how some POF profiles resembled government security clearance checks, then I find this on an actual profile , and it blew my mind! I am simply amazed she did not add a polygraph and a penile plethysmograph to her list of demands. (I hope she is not reading this, I do not want to give her any more ideas.) It is worth noting that before Ted Bundy was arrested for his murder spree, he had no prior record. That is how he went undetected all these years.  A serial killer, once caught, never leaves prison, so a background check is not going to catch one.

My Comment:

Sorry, couldn't resist =p. Seems okaly but let's be honest, I am not sure you could find someone with all those qualifications on POF. Moving on...

COMMENT: She may not take drugs, but she may want to consider taking something prescribed by a psychiatrist. This lady is a real Jekyll and Hyde. "I don't like Public Displays of Affection maybe if its with the right person!" Which is it? Do you like kissing in public or not? "Don't expect me to hold your hand and kiss you if I just meet you 10 min ago!?!" When you place a question mark between two exclamation points, is Internet lingo for you are asking a question hysterically.

While we are on the subject of being picky, I am quite picky about grammar. To say you discriminate against people with "bad BREATHE" implies you have a problem with people born with asthma.  Breath= exhale, breathe=inhale+exhale. That e makes a difference.

How does one loose 40 pounds? Is it loosed TD Jakes style?

Right now, there is a gray-eyed, asthmatic, bearded cat lover spared the joys of meeting this crazy woman online. Y

 

COMMENT:

No, you won't. You are just a one-time shopper.

No, you won't. You are just a one-time shopper.

No, you won't. You are just a one-time shopper.



No, you won't. You are just a one-time shopper.



 

COMMENT:

Nothing brings two people closer together than the mutual mutilation of a human body. Speaking of mutilation, Notre Dame was mutilated in the national championship game by the Crimson Tide 42-14. So to date this woman, you must truly be sadistic for wanting to torture others, and masochistic for cheering for football teams that suck major ass.

COMMENT:

There is nothing quite like good old-fashioned online drama! I would like to note that despite supposedly being on POF to try to catch her cheating significant other, she spent an awful lot of time filling out her personality profile and posting pictures of herself, so apparently the shark is on the hunt for some other kind of prey.

COMMENT: No, This is not the same person as the background check lady, but she may as well be. I have to admit  I am a bit confused; I think I made that proverbial wrong turn at Albuquerque and have transcended the fine line between POF and career builder.com. Lady, you don't  want POF, you want millionaires.com.










Last but not least: Frodo! DO NOT DATE THIS WOMAN! Do hobbits taste like chicken?

"Follow me, and I will make you fishers of women." Or not. Popping the POF cherry

Welcome to hell, dating fiends! In my last post, we discussed the humiliation of simply signing up for Plenty Of Fish.

So now the REAL fun begins. You can use the Search feature, which is more specific, or hit the "online" feature to see any lady (since I'm a guy I'll be speaking from the heterosexual male perspective) within I assume to be 50 miles of your zip code who is online at the time. My experience is the "chat" function works about as often as a "Hail Mary" pass so don't expect any miracles there.

Whichever poison you pick, you will at some point settle on viewing somebody's profile. Lets be honest here-- most of us are going to judge by looks. That includes you ladies, don't deny it! Well I look at the profiles. Why? Because no matter how hot a woman is, attitude is a deal breaker.

Well, without further ado, lets start viewing a few profiles.

Profile #1

Well I found  nice looking 31-year-old lady. She's a nice looking gal, and the first pic is what you first expect, a decent up-close face shot with a smile. Okay. So I click, and this is what I see....

Because nothing gets a guy going like pics of a girl poking out her booty and some random black guy that, at first glance, looks to be flipping you off, I just had to read more. You know you want to.

Now, if you like ghetto culture, more power to you. But I'm not a fan of it. And to be honest, I have more difficulty understanding "Street" than I do those outsourced tech support guys over the phone. I could use a little help from anyone who can translate this woman's profile:

Okay. Its a mix of street AND redneck! FUK ALL YALL... ERRRY LAST ONE A YALL!!!! What is "NEWAYZ"? Is that a new R&B group?

This begs the question. At what age should an adult stop talking this way? At 31, I feel this gal is pushing the limits. She may be a sweetheart in reality but I think I'll pass. I need to date someone I can understand. Moving on...

PROFILE #2

This is why I prefer the search mode to the Online/ Gallery mode. Headlines sometimes warn us of what is ahead. So what does this headline tell you?

I blocked out her face but trust me, there's a very attractive woman here. But that headline scares me. "Tired of being hurt." That may be true, and who likes being hurt? BUT, when I see I envision our first date will play like a Freudian counseling session. The only way you'll have her on the couch is if she's laying on it, exploring the pains of childhood while you take notes from a distant but antique wooden desk.

PROFILE #3

This one is a lot of fun. I'll just let the pics speak for themselves here. First off, I hate the use of the term "Ur."

This is Ur, dammit.

Ur is that place in Mesopotamia where father Abraham was allegedly born (modern day Iraq for those who care to know). Smart people don't use Ur to say "you are." Sorry, text talk and ghetto slang are pet peeves of mine.

So what does she really want, I wonder? Thought I'd ask.

Why people can't be honest on this site, I don't know. Why not just say it? And it seems a tad hypocritical to not date anyone with a few extra pounds when she isn't exactly Kathy Ireland. To each their own I guess. Moving on.

Profile #4

Holy shit! Its Brooke "Southern Brooke" Lawson! Shit, I wish. Apparently, this is a fairly WELL KNOWN scammer using Southern Brooke.

http://www.romancescam.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=35472&p=186033

How did I know this was a "pr0n" star? Well, um, "Ur", err... lets just call it a hunch? At any rate, there is also a site called "tineye" that allows you to post a link or a downloaded picture and find any instance that pic is on the internet. It is not foolproof, but it is just a small way of protecting yourself. So enough porno dreams. Southern Brooke is NOT going to let your fat nasty ass (or mine) go southern on her brook.

POF gets a lot of derision. Plenty Of Fakes, Plenty Of Frauds, Plenty Of Fools, Plenty Of Fuckoffs, etc. Let this site be a warning. Be sure of what you are getting yourself into.

Next, do women prefer douchebag men? Find out in the Stanford Dating Experiment!

-- Angry POF Guy.