If I have a house, a car, and a job I can date Justin Beiber!

Let me start off by saying the "Pixie" cut is an abomination before the Lord, and whoever created it deserves to spend time in each of the nine circles of Hell. Ladies, the Pixie cut is the female equivalent of the male Douchebag haircut, not to mention it makes you look like Justin Beiber.

One of these pics is Emma Watson, allegedly, and the other is Bieber.
Or maybe these are both Bieber pics.

Please ladies, RETIRE THE PIXIE CUT!!!!

So today, I found a profile on POF that was so bad, I just had to come here and cap on it:

There are three things inherently wrong with this profile. Number one-- BEIBER HAIR IN PINK! Need I say more?

Number two, This person is a HAIR STYLIST! What scares me even more is the thought that a hair stylst would think Pink Beiber Hair (tm) is hot.

Number three, while selecting she doesn't want a "serious relationship," (and we all know what "wants to date but nothing serious" means on POF, wink wink nudge nudge), it is mandatory you have a house, job, and car. There is a term that would describe this kind of behavior. Oh yes, GOLD DIGGER. (Well, maybe "hooker," but only if a guy has a Beiber fetish).

Well, I was wrong about the tattooed artsy types. I always thought they were anti-Capitalist, hippie lover types, but I was wrong. So guys, if you love the Bieber look and want a fling, do I have the gal for you!

Its my [pity] party and I'll cry if I want to...

I don't like being mean. Angry, yes, mean no. It just isn't my thing. But I am bitter. So I am goofing off on POF, looking at the pathetic profiles of women looking like... well, does anyone remember the Simpson's episode where Homer and Marge break up and Homer stays in the apartment building for divorced men, with all the wailing and gnashing of teeth (and I think a suicide?). I can't remember the exact episode, but I digress. The point is, despite women having it made on the site, as proven by my now infamous Angie POF Gal experiment, woman still complain in droves of their impotence at finding a hot guy online. Cry me a fucking river.

So here is a prime example. I have a hard time pitying her because she turned down a friend of mine for a date (because remember, men, nice guys finish last), and now we see her lamenting like her misfortune over not finding someone on POF. You can call it the angry, cynical personality talking here, but I believe that many women come to POF with expectations befitting of an Air Force slogan-- Aim High.

In the end, it is like walking down skid row seeing the same winos boozing it up and begging for change for years on end. I can leave POF (which I did because I found someone), come back (because the someone I found sucked and not in the pleasurable way), and see the SAME FUCKING PEOPLE. Then again, if I'm going back there it means I'm also a loser, so maybe I shouldn't take that thought any further, for ego's sake.

Ladies, lower your expectations.

This is bullshit! A POF Success Story

True story-- I have a brother who lives in another state. He married young. How young? Young enough to need his parents to sign the legal documents allowing the marriage (I'm trying not to give out TMI here). So he's been married since the Bush administration--Bush Sr., that is, not "Dubya."

At any rate, after over two decades of marital...um, bliss (Or Hell, depending on perspective), my brother and his wife are getting a divorce. And since the wifey pulled a Jerry Springer Show and shacked up with another man, my brother decided to upgrade to a better woman. So guess where he landed? Good ole' POF. The same fucking site that has been a thorn in my side since Bush #2 was in office.

And would you believe by brother found love on the first try? WHAT! THE! FUCK!

He did what took me three years to achieve -- a date. And he did what I could never do, find someone to love. How? He should write a fucking book. Seriously. He needs to buy my lottery tickets. If he visits me as he's threatened to every year since I moved back up north, we're hitting the casinos and the Mega Millions.

I feel almost like Bruce Nolan after Evan Baxter was promoted instead of him.

Like extracting teeth...

Just when I thought of promoting this blog, life happened. I had a huge project come up, and I met

someone. That latter part means I haven't needed to waste my time strutting like a peacock on POF. Instead, I donned a chicken hat for Oktoberfest.

The thought of even returning to POF is like extracting teeth. And yet, how many of us not only return to POF but feel the need to proclaim that fact as if it is some kind of mark of infamy. Has the US Government started handing out medals of honor for our failures on an online dating site? They must be, or people wouldn't brag about it so much. yeah, I've done three tours of duty at POF, been shot in the heart and was a POW (of love) for X years before escaping.

It should be a prerequisite for those returning to POF to explain exactly how they ended up on POF, especially if they found love and then lost it. At least going to POF would be more entertaining. I really have no POF stories of note-- I quit out of annoyance. Thrice. (Who says thrice anymore? Me. That's who.)

So I could share a random dating disaster story for shits and giggles.

Like this gal, only way bigger.
I like my gals thick, what can I say?

I once dated a "Gothic Chick" when I was in my 20s. She was younger than me, which is a rare thing for me, as I am a certified Cougar Hunter (tm). It was fairly intense. She even had me wear her spiked collar, which led to many offers of Kibbles and Bits from my co-workers. At any rate, we dated a couple of months and on my birthday, we went to a rock concert. She was always hanging around this girl she claimed was her cousin. So back to this rock concert-- as I'm making out with my girlfriend, her cousin gives me the Evil Eye. I asked my girlfriend what's up with her cousin, and her reply was the cousin just wanted me.

Well, after we broke up, I ran into a friend of the Gothic Chick. As you may have suspected, this cousin was not her cousin. The day I dumped Gothic Chick, she informed me she was bisexual and had a girlfriend. Well, her friend informed me this "cousin" was actually Gothic Chick's girlfriend! And to think I bought the cousin's concert ticket as well.

To think, I was the only one out of the loop here. I honestly didn't know. I was pissed at the time but now I think it's fucking hilarious. No, I wasn't offered a Three-Way (and not the Skyline Chili kind), but if she offered I would have said HELL NO! I'd prefer the Skyline Chili 3-way because it is tasty. I never liked this "cousin." But I digress.

Does a bad date beat no date at all? I guess at the time we all think so. Maybe that's why we keep going back to POF. For some of us, what other alternative do we have?

I do have some POF dating disasters, though they don't beat the Goth Gal story. Maybe I'll share them on a bad day.

The "Angie POF Gal" part 2: So are men really that bad?

I created this blog as a rant against the things women do on the POF site that annoy me. In the interest of fairness, I took the advice of a reader and, for a week, I took on the persona of the "Angie POF Gal." So, after walking a mile in virtual high heels, the time has come to settle the age old question-- just how different are men and women on the online dating sites.

Allow me to take a moment and get the stuffy methodology out of the way. As I explained in Part 1, I created a profile that was simple and non-threatening, even a bit suggestive. I used the picture of a woman I once dated who lives three states away so no one would suspect anything. I did nothing to bring attention to "Angie." Angie read no profiles or sent any messages. Angie simply logged in and waited.

Angie didn't have to wait long to get responses. In the first three hours (on a lazy Sunday morning), Angie got 25 messages. By Monday, Angie had gotten close to 70. I had real life work to do, so during the week I had not spent much time logging Angie in. But by the end of the week, Angie had received 125 messages and 147 people wanted to "meet" Angie.

I was hoping for some o those legendary nasty opening messages that women claim to get regularly. I have to say I found NO evidence of that occurring. Sadly, messages to Angie were mundane. Nearly all were of the following theme -- "Hi, how are you, you're beautiful, I'm [insert name], do you want to meet/ chat?" At least half were little more than one or two words, "hi/ hey beautiful." Angie got one cheesy "did it fall when you fell from heaven?" I almost broke kayfabe when I read it. I wanted to reply, "No, I landed on two naked people in the Garden of Eden and I was so grateful I made them an apple pie."

Of course, I did see a few losers -- a couple of guys with names like "$hort dog" (dollar-hort dog? Is it kosher?), Bigstud (big as in fat, and more dud than stud), and "inches deep" (two inches maybe?). I did see a few shirtless pics of moobs (I guess shirtless pics are the equivalent of the from-the-top cleavage shot the ladies love to do), bathroom selfies (geez, the ladies look silly doing it, men look that much worse) and one person used LIFESTYLE CONDOMS as his profile pics, and another had a penis as his pic.

But all in all, I saw nothing that shows than men act crazier than the women on this site. Whether it was like this BEFORE POF changed their dating policies to weed out the assholes sooner, I cannot tell. POF has changed a bit lately. In fact, a couple of the 100+ people contacting Angie had a deleted profile. Who knows why?

Before I move on, I have to rant for a second. I saw a fair amount of behavior on both men's AND women's profiles. Yes, we're all looking for love (or sex), but I was amazed at how many men piss and moan about their online dating woes or how much POF sucks and how many people are fake/ game players, etc. I could almost cut and paste many of my rants about women, change the words to men, and repost, and it would save me a LOT of typing.

So, can we finally put the stereotype of black men preferring "thick women" and white men preferring skinny blondes to rest? We should. As I mentioned in Part 1, Cincy is pretty close to even when it comes to racial demographics (53% white/43% black). But what I found interesting is the demographic of Angie's potential suitors.

Of the 125 people who messaged Angie, 37 were black, 76 were white, 7 were Other Races, 5 were unknown (they were deleted or had no pic). Of the 149 who wanted to "meet" Angie, 28 were black, 115 were white, 4 were other races, and 4 were unknown (no pic). If you believe the stereotype, given the demographics, you should expect the numbers of whites and blacks courting Angie to be even or even favoring blacks. Well, the numbers say otherwise. The discrepancies between the "meet" group and the message group is smaller among black men than with white men.

I can reasonable conclude that the myth about the preferences of white men and black men are dispelled. Also, it is obvious that the black men are more apt to at least say hi rather than just play with the "meet me" feature than the white men. And no, dick pic or Lifestyles man did not message Angie (and if you care to know, they were both white).

Only 4 sent more than one message, but no one resorted to angry messages.

After playing Angie POF Gal for a week, I have come to this conclusion-- the only thing separating the men from the women on this site is the attention factor. Women don't have to work for attention. "Angie" was, after all, a gal I dated who was 5'2, brunette, and "thick" (170 but shapely). She wasn't a supermodel but pretty. I suppose I could try with other shapes and sizes someday. But regardless, "Angie" had a problem I could only dream about with my real profile-- the amount of interested people. I could tally in every message I ever received with my real profile in three years and multiply it by 10 and not got what "Angie" got in a day. men are more forthcoming. It is no secret.

Men can act like jerks, and men can piss and moan about rejection (and Lord knows I'm a master of it at times) but I think women tend to be a bit more sensitive to the negativity of the site.

Ladies-- Please, stop bitching about the quality of the men. You have set ridiculously high standards and have your pick of hundreds of suitors. If you don't like the ones messaging you, read a few profiles and strike up a virtual conversation. It isn't that hard!

Guys-- Stop bitching about women who don't message you back. They get hundreds of messages PER DAY! And for the few of you who do this, please, no shirtless pics, sick dick pics, degrading headlines, and the like (if you refer to a woman as a "bitch" the only bitch you'll ever get is the four legged kind).

I guess I'll keep Angie around a little bit, so I may rant more in the future.

The "Angie POF Gal" part 1

A couple of months ago, I decided to write this blog to gripe about my struggles with online dating, particularly on Plenty Of Fish, because it is free for the most part. Well, one of my readers suggested I make a female online dating profile and gauge responses.

I have to admit, I was reluctant to do it. After all, I am a man, and exclusively heterosexual, so reading messages from men potentially telling me they want to "tap 'dat az" is not my idea of a lazy Sunday afternoon. But, after reading my share of ALL CAPS rants from female profiles tired of getting "nasty messages" from men, I decided to take the plunge.

So, for a day, The "Angry POF Guy" underwent a virtual sex change operation and became the "Angie POF Gal." No joke, I literally called my female profile "Angie POF Gal."

I know. Very clever, huh?

Seeing as how I was playing a silly game for the sake of writing an article for this humble blog, I have self-imposed a few guidelines.

First, I tried my best to make a mundane yet somewhat unique profile-- something that is inviting but not blatantly "my legs are spread eagle." Nothing bitchy, condescending, or negative. Something that implies you can get away with sounding a bit like a jerk to get Angie's attention (since I chose Cincinnati as my target, I made a local reference just for authenticity purposes)

A real masterpiece. I expect a Pulitzer Prize for this award-winning profile!

Second, I have made it a point NOT to read profiles before they contact Angie. Back when I was serious about finding dates, I perused lots of profiles, so I wanted to see if it was truly easier for women.

Third, I intentionally picked Sunday Morning as my day to introduce "Angie" to the world. Why Sunday? It seems to be the day of the least activity. Most activity takes place towards Friday and Saturday on the site. As you can see, I am trying to balance my little experiment.

Before I move on to the results, there was one unresolved question-- what picture should I use? I thought about using a porn star pic, but a "Tin Eye" search could easily blow my cover (FYI, TinEye is a service that allows you to search pictures on the internet to see if they are found on other websites). Luckily for me, I was once engaged to a gal who had a real aversion to the internet, and thankfully, she lives in another state. She was about 5'2 and 170 pounds, but she worked out a lot so she was what some people would call "thick." I had a picture of her wearing the stereotypical red party dress-- not too revealing but with enough cleavage to get attention. Perfect.

So at about 11am or so, Angie POF Gal went online. As usual, I get that introductory email from "Markus" welcoming Angie to POF. I had not even finished deleting that canned message when Angie received her first message. I went to fix a sandwich.in the time it took me to slap some cold cuts between two slices of bread with some mustard, three more messages came.

By 2pm, when I started working on this article, Angie has received 25 messages, and 20 guys want to "meet" Angie. It certainly exceeded expectations, considering the time frame and my lack of interaction with everyone.

As a result of all the negative profiles I have read from women, my first expectation is a lot of jerks making comments about Angie's ample bosom or her pretty jet black hair. Well, of the first 21 messages, none were anything more than mundane "hi,' "how are you," a couple of "hey sexy/ beautiful," and similar comments. Nothing groundbreaking. No nasty comments, no sexual references (unless you could getting a simple "hey sexy" from a man using a screen name with "well hung" as part of his screen name).

Cincinnati's demographics are 53% white and 43% black, so it is fairly close to even-- at least far higher than the national average-- 73% white, 13% black). The stereotype, of course, is that white guys prefer a skinny blonde and black guys like a "thick" gal. Well, of the 23 guys who messaged in the first three hours, 16 were white, 7 were black, one was Arab, and one had no pic (and remember I'm not reading profiles yet). Of those who said they want to meet Angie, 15 were white, 4 were black, and one was "other" (I think Hispanic going by the pic). So far, it isn't looking good for the black guys want thick girls myth.

Of the 87 men who actually viewed Angie, 25 sent messages, so roughly a third were impressed. Compare that to my real profile, where well over a hundred women viewed my profile yet I received less than 10 responses. It goes without saying men are more willing to make the first move, but tend to write little more than the simple "hi, you are beautiful, wanna chat?" Where is all the "lets get naked and do it" comments?

So far, my first impression is this. Guys do make the first move, and maybe some guys have a one-track-mind, but I believe the ones who do aren't hiding it, and women just tend to get easily offended by the ones who do.

Now, by the time I published this, my experiment was over. I decided later on to wait till Saturday to delete the profile. Don't worry, I will share my final results soon.

The Angry POF guy's original profile

I stumbled upon my original Angry POF profile the other day. This is the profile that inspired this blog and got a lot more attention than my real-life profile.

The story behind it is quite simple-- I am just an average guy with decent writing skills who wasn't finding much success on POF. One day I simply became agitated and wrote this fake profile. This fake profile received more positive responses than my real profile. I don't know why, I was intentionally trying to be a jerk. But whatever.

Amazingly it was up a full year before POF deleted it. I suppose someone FINALLY was offended by the profile. (By the way, you can right-click the pics to see them in full size so you can read it).

Headlines!

Jay Leno is retiring next year (or maybe is being forced out), so soon there will be no more Headlines. It is sad.

But reading some of the headlines from POF can be hilarious. Lets be honest, it is hard to come up with a catchy headline. Some try to be funny, some sad, some that make you wonder why this person even tried. Am I angry? Yes. Mean? I try not to be. But sometimes someone just rubs me the wrong way.

So lets look at a few actual headlines, as I give my personal opinion on them:

"Did you read the profile before you messaged me?" -- No, I looked at yer' bewbeez. It was hard not to when the Headline was next to a blonde woman with a gratuitous cleavage shot. Which brings me to a valid complaint. Why do women make those pictures of their butts poking out of that facepic angle from above (the one that slightly chubby women use to minimize the double chin effect while emphasizing the cleavage; yes you know what I mean).

like this...

Men are visual, and these women know it, yet get offended when guys respond.

"Read profile or dont contact me" -- Aw shoot, too late. I don't take orders very well, my bad :)

"I'm kind of a big deal...People know me" -- Well I don't. The person who wrote this was going by the name of a certain cute female Batman Villain. Now, I have no problems with cosplayers, and a maid outfit on a woman is a regular fantasy of mine, but the Headline screams Alpha Female. I prefer a bit of humility, personally, because this headline screams high maintenance.

"I'm not a "BAD B ***" I'm a GOOD Woman" -- I am afraid to open this one. This headline warns me the profile will likely start with the infamous all-caps emasculating rants about how terrible all men are.

"I thought this was a seafood site/ Glub Glub/ Gone fishing/Dipping my toe in..." -- There are so many fish-puns in the headlines section that I have developed a seafood allergy reaction just be reading all of them. I wonder if guys use puns like Master Baitor...

"I`M SEXY AND I KNOW IT/ There's Something About a Truck/See you, space cowboy, etc." -- Using song titles or references as Headlines is as lame as an overplayed song. When I see this I think of more fitting songs like "Beat It." I'm willing to bet in Seattle, there are hundreds of "Sleepless in Seattle" references.

"haha im back :)" -- Thanks for the warning. I've been back three times now.

"where the real men at.........not on this site" -- I could say the same about the women.

"NOT LOOKING TO HOOK UP!!/ really..dont message me for sex..smh  "-- Then why are you here? Complaining about it in your headline won't help. Most guys use the gallery format anyways.

"Can't get no betta than me..." -- Sounds silly coming from a middle aged white woman. This is passable only if you are 18 and listen to Flo 'Rida (still the dumbest rap artist name evah'). I don't know exactly what age this type of talk sounds stupid coming from an adult, but I would suggest at 36, that's too old!

word.

"Tired of the bs" -- You and me both, Sister.

Markus tries to stuff the pirhanas back in the proverbial Pandora's Box.

Hello, my fellow POF masochists! No doubt you got one of these messages in your inbox. This damned cockblocker has officially killed my Cougar fantasy so I was so pissed I deleted my real profile. Anyways, there have been a few noticeable changes to POF over the years, most notably the loss of a few features that were once free. Simple little things like if a person read a message you sent. Seems the only one fishing is Markus! These changes are more dramatic than he realized. So my rant for tonight is limited to this message.

#1: The sexual message ban: As a strict legalist, I demand a full explanation of this. I am a man, so I almost see this as a challenge to see how far the envelope can be pushed.

Men (and my ex-wife) have a propensity to turn any act of inserting one object into another object into a sexual reference.

"I'll stuff my fortune in your cookie."

My ex made that one up and got so tickled she pissed her pants and soaked the couch. It is no wonder she told me I can keep that couch after we broke up. But I digress.

#2: the 15-year age rule: Markus believes that the only purpose for any two people of such an age difference is to hook up. I happen to prefer dating women as much as 20 years my senior. That is my preference. I'm also in my mid-30s. Am I at risk to be victimized by a geriatric sexual predator?

Racquel Welch, age 70. *slurp*

Personally, if by small chance Susan Sarandon, Ann-Margaret, Marie Osmond, Sophia Loren, Bernadette Peters, or even Kirstie Alley stumbled upon POF, I hate the thought of missing that opportunity to date one of them just because a few 18-year-olds complained of getting flirts from some old codgers. This is the internet, after all. It gives men testicles of steel, and women, well, whatever you want to call the female equivalent of balls. Ovaries of steel?!?

#3: No more Intimate Encounters: Well, y'all, it looks like POF is going to wither away and die. It was fun while it lasted. I think contributing this to the cell phone app it a bit of a stretch.  One of my readers has actually suggested I sign up as a hot chick just for kicks, so Markus may be right on this one. (As an aside, there needs to be a category for those of "other" gender identifications such as transsexual).

That being said, it seems a feel-good measure. We can all read between the lines. "No commitment" and "wants to date but nothing serious" = "hookup." It wouldn't be Plenty of FISH if there weren't any HOOK-ups (love those fish puns). But then it goes from that straight into the "relationship." Isn't this as unreasonable as expecting sex on the first date. I'm just as creeped-out by a woman planning a wedding on a first date? (And yes, I have had a few like that.)

Markus has opened Pandora's Box and now wishes to stuff the demons back in the box. Good luck with that.

Random POF Profile Rants: Human mutilation, Eating Hobbits, and Background Checks

Hello, fishies! Sorry I haven't been around much, but life happens. Anything to get away from the "joys" of online dating is fine by me. But I have a blog to maintain and people to entertain, so here I am!

Now that I am finished ranting about the basics of the POF website, the real fun of reading random profiles begins. It is very hard to believe the things people actually put on their dating profiles. This begs the question – if a picture is worth 1000 words, then what is a screenshot of words worth? In this case, probably a few good laughs. Let us begin. ( The following screenshots are of actual POF profiles. I most cases, they are unaltered except to remove any identifying information.)




COMMENT: I can only imagine how low your self-esteem must be to even bother messaging a woman who write such a comment at the beginning of her profile.  Not only does this woman   qualify for a lifetime supply of lithium, chances are any man unfortunate to be with her will eventually need some form of mind altering substance to maintain a stable relationship with this individual. Remember that in many ways, online dating is like a job interview.  Imagine going to a job interview and cussing out your potential employer the moment you step into his office. How many people have gotten a job by screaming at the interviewer? This is the POF, not the WWE.

COMMENT:  What kind of fruit bat requests a background check on the first date? In my previous post, I discussed how some POF profiles resembled government security clearance checks, then I find this on an actual profile , and it blew my mind! I am simply amazed she did not add a polygraph and a penile plethysmograph to her list of demands. (I hope she is not reading this, I do not want to give her any more ideas.) It is worth noting that before Ted Bundy was arrested for his murder spree, he had no prior record. That is how he went undetected all these years.  A serial killer, once caught, never leaves prison, so a background check is not going to catch one.

My Comment:

Sorry, couldn't resist =p. Seems okaly but let's be honest, I am not sure you could find someone with all those qualifications on POF. Moving on...

COMMENT: She may not take drugs, but she may want to consider taking something prescribed by a psychiatrist. This lady is a real Jekyll and Hyde. "I don't like Public Displays of Affection maybe if its with the right person!" Which is it? Do you like kissing in public or not? "Don't expect me to hold your hand and kiss you if I just meet you 10 min ago!?!" When you place a question mark between two exclamation points, is Internet lingo for you are asking a question hysterically.

While we are on the subject of being picky, I am quite picky about grammar. To say you discriminate against people with "bad BREATHE" implies you have a problem with people born with asthma.  Breath= exhale, breathe=inhale+exhale. That e makes a difference.

How does one loose 40 pounds? Is it loosed TD Jakes style?

Right now, there is a gray-eyed, asthmatic, bearded cat lover spared the joys of meeting this crazy woman online. Y

 

COMMENT:

No, you won't. You are just a one-time shopper.

No, you won't. You are just a one-time shopper.

No, you won't. You are just a one-time shopper.



No, you won't. You are just a one-time shopper.



 

COMMENT:

Nothing brings two people closer together than the mutual mutilation of a human body. Speaking of mutilation, Notre Dame was mutilated in the national championship game by the Crimson Tide 42-14. So to date this woman, you must truly be sadistic for wanting to torture others, and masochistic for cheering for football teams that suck major ass.

COMMENT:

There is nothing quite like good old-fashioned online drama! I would like to note that despite supposedly being on POF to try to catch her cheating significant other, she spent an awful lot of time filling out her personality profile and posting pictures of herself, so apparently the shark is on the hunt for some other kind of prey.

COMMENT: No, This is not the same person as the background check lady, but she may as well be. I have to admit  I am a bit confused; I think I made that proverbial wrong turn at Albuquerque and have transcended the fine line between POF and career builder.com. Lady, you don't  want POF, you want millionaires.com.










Last but not least: Frodo! DO NOT DATE THIS WOMAN! Do hobbits taste like chicken?