Miss High Maintenance

If there is one kind of profile I cannot stand, it is the "princess" types. Demands to be spoiled, high maintenance, that sort of thing. I think the more appropriate would be "gold digger," since high maintenance and spoiled usually means "buy me stuff."

Okay, lets be honest, if you are on POF it is generally because you don't have a lot of money, and POF is free for the most part. So why are so many WOMEN expecting a man with "their shit together" in such a bad economy? If you're looking for a "one percenter," you're on the wrong website.

Here is a prime example, from a profile in my local area:

First off, the reason so many people in their 30s are "broke, no job, no car" is because we have a crappy economy. Lady, you live in a metropolitan area consistently ranked as one of the 10 poorest cities in America.

Second-- FOUR kids? Not just kids at that, "bratty ass kids!" That world doesn't have room for a man. Who wants a ready-made family? Not me.

Third, high-maintenance and want to be treated like a princess." As I already stated, it screams "gold digger."

On the up side, she's "independent." She doesn't really NEED a man. That's a relief.

I beg to differ on her opinion of herself as an "amazing" girl. But see, you women think you can write this shit, sound like a total bitch, and guys are going to eat it up because you're a thin blonde bimbo. But she got knocked up four times so apparently men find her hot enough, I guess. She's definitely not for me.

Here is the thing. Many men won't date women with kids. I don't blame them. America is a liability minded culture, and kids are a liability. To use the cliché, kids bring lots of "drama." Babby daddy drama, junior gets sick at school, and kids get attached to people way too quickly, so if you're not trying hard to be a heartless bastard, you grow an attachment to them as well. Of course, in the back of everyone's mind is the false allegation thing, and no one wants that kind of drama. Kid free is the way to be. It sounds mean but it is true.

Good lucking finding a rich man, princess. Your handsome prince isn't on POF.

My new and improved "official" POF profile

My new official Angry POF Guy profile. Not as detailed as the last, but maybe this one won't be eliminated by the POF profile Nazis.

http://www.pof.com/viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=32130360

"I am a baggage toting drama king who is only going to date you to get back at the ex. Therefore you must be hotter than hell, or at least hotter than my ex. Being thin, blonde, and bouncy gets top billing.

If you want to get into my pants, you must have your own place-- not living in your momma's basement. You must have a car, and the nicer the better, so no Mickey D's wrappers and baby goo on the floor and seats. And it is imperative you have a J-O-B (Don't you love it when I am so condescending I feel the need to spell it letter by letter?); and not just a job, but a "career." if you want "bling," work for it, and if you think that sex is a fair trade for financial secutiry, you want the escort site, not POF.

I don't have a car so the burden falls upon you to drive me around. See my requirements above. I guess since I don't have a car this means I'm a fat lazy slob as opposed to being down on my luck because some beeyotch took me for a ride and cleaned out my account or my company downsized, which brings me to point number two, I don't have a job either. I don't need one because I think I look hot and if i show a little cleavage and flash a winning smile, I don't need to have either while expecting a member of the opposite sex to have one of their own.

Ladies, for the love of God, please stop messaging me for sex. I prefer the frigid and callous women who won't put out and love to play silly head games at POF. That's my kind of woman. Ooh, and it turns me on even more when you ladies lie about what you want. And I am more turned on when you take selfies of your bosoms and legs while demanding I don't drool like Homer Simpson staring at a stake.

Know what else I love? Women that refer to their pets as "fur babies" and pamper them like children. If you talk about your pets as if you gave birth to them, I can't help but to question your sexuality. You do realize bestiality is still a crime in most states, except maybe Kentucky.

Even more so, I love those of you who are so unimaginative you feel the need to use tired clichéd movie and song titled. I love sifting through the hundreds of "Must Love Dogs," "There's something 'bout a truck," and "Sleepless in _____" headlines, they are just so catchy and stand out among the thousands of other unimaginative women who do this who also select "hopeless romantic" as their personality. Hopeless? Try helpless.

So if you are as fake and as demanding as I am, HMU. If you don't know what that means, then introduc yourself to a search engine. God helps those who helps themselves."

Gripe for the day: Whoever works on the POF website needs a geography lesson

I decided to check my profile for the first time in weeks, and I have a minor complain (I know, stop the presses, right)?

Here's the deal-- if you don't use the "search" function to narrow your search, and pick one of those six random women at the top of every profile page, or that "online' function, you can get someone in a metropolitan are 100+ miles away.

I live in Cincinnati, Ohio (Chilitown USA, BTW), and I don't consider Columbus OH, Dayton OH, Louisville KY, Lexington KY, or Indianapolis IN "local." Let me put it to you this way-- if you don't even have a Skyline Chili or Gold Star Chili restaurant in your neighborhood, you are not "local" to me.

As you can imagine, I have had my moments where I finally see an intriguing profile, and I want to send a message. But wait! I need to pull out the Atlas (they still make those things) and find some town called "Xenia, Ohio." Or "Pikeville, Kentucky." Personally, I'd like to date someone from Intercourse, Pennsylvania, but instead I dated the woman from Hell, Michigan (well, if you're gonna get hitched you may as well go to Hell while you're at it).

Aside from getting a regional geography lesson, there is another small issue-- the fact we haven't had reasonable gas prices since the Clinton administration. Unless you can afford a hybrid, those gas prices become a factor in decision making. Forget love conquering all, Big Oil conquers love.

Maybe instead of "looking for sparks," you should be looking for someone combustible instead.

Bottom Line:

POF, fire your web designer.

If I have a house, a car, and a job I can date Justin Beiber!

Let me start off by saying the "Pixie" cut is an abomination before the Lord, and whoever created it deserves to spend time in each of the nine circles of Hell. Ladies, the Pixie cut is the female equivalent of the male Douchebag haircut, not to mention it makes you look like Justin Beiber.

One of these pics is Emma Watson, allegedly, and the other is Bieber.
Or maybe these are both Bieber pics.

Please ladies, RETIRE THE PIXIE CUT!!!!

So today, I found a profile on POF that was so bad, I just had to come here and cap on it:

There are three things inherently wrong with this profile. Number one-- BEIBER HAIR IN PINK! Need I say more?

Number two, This person is a HAIR STYLIST! What scares me even more is the thought that a hair stylst would think Pink Beiber Hair (tm) is hot.

Number three, while selecting she doesn't want a "serious relationship," (and we all know what "wants to date but nothing serious" means on POF, wink wink nudge nudge), it is mandatory you have a house, job, and car. There is a term that would describe this kind of behavior. Oh yes, GOLD DIGGER. (Well, maybe "hooker," but only if a guy has a Beiber fetish).

Well, I was wrong about the tattooed artsy types. I always thought they were anti-Capitalist, hippie lover types, but I was wrong. So guys, if you love the Bieber look and want a fling, do I have the gal for you!

Its my [pity] party and I'll cry if I want to...

I don't like being mean. Angry, yes, mean no. It just isn't my thing. But I am bitter. So I am goofing off on POF, looking at the pathetic profiles of women looking like... well, does anyone remember the Simpson's episode where Homer and Marge break up and Homer stays in the apartment building for divorced men, with all the wailing and gnashing of teeth (and I think a suicide?). I can't remember the exact episode, but I digress. The point is, despite women having it made on the site, as proven by my now infamous Angie POF Gal experiment, woman still complain in droves of their impotence at finding a hot guy online. Cry me a fucking river.

So here is a prime example. I have a hard time pitying her because she turned down a friend of mine for a date (because remember, men, nice guys finish last), and now we see her lamenting like her misfortune over not finding someone on POF. You can call it the angry, cynical personality talking here, but I believe that many women come to POF with expectations befitting of an Air Force slogan-- Aim High.

In the end, it is like walking down skid row seeing the same winos boozing it up and begging for change for years on end. I can leave POF (which I did because I found someone), come back (because the someone I found sucked and not in the pleasurable way), and see the SAME FUCKING PEOPLE. Then again, if I'm going back there it means I'm also a loser, so maybe I shouldn't take that thought any further, for ego's sake.

Ladies, lower your expectations.

This is bullshit! A POF Success Story

True story-- I have a brother who lives in another state. He married young. How young? Young enough to need his parents to sign the legal documents allowing the marriage (I'm trying not to give out TMI here). So he's been married since the Bush administration--Bush Sr., that is, not "Dubya."

At any rate, after over two decades of marital...um, bliss (Or Hell, depending on perspective), my brother and his wife are getting a divorce. And since the wifey pulled a Jerry Springer Show and shacked up with another man, my brother decided to upgrade to a better woman. So guess where he landed? Good ole' POF. The same fucking site that has been a thorn in my side since Bush #2 was in office.

And would you believe by brother found love on the first try? WHAT! THE! FUCK!

He did what took me three years to achieve -- a date. And he did what I could never do, find someone to love. How? He should write a fucking book. Seriously. He needs to buy my lottery tickets. If he visits me as he's threatened to every year since I moved back up north, we're hitting the casinos and the Mega Millions.

I feel almost like Bruce Nolan after Evan Baxter was promoted instead of him.

Like extracting teeth...

Just when I thought of promoting this blog, life happened. I had a huge project come up, and I met

someone. That latter part means I haven't needed to waste my time strutting like a peacock on POF. Instead, I donned a chicken hat for Oktoberfest.

The thought of even returning to POF is like extracting teeth. And yet, how many of us not only return to POF but feel the need to proclaim that fact as if it is some kind of mark of infamy. Has the US Government started handing out medals of honor for our failures on an online dating site? They must be, or people wouldn't brag about it so much. yeah, I've done three tours of duty at POF, been shot in the heart and was a POW (of love) for X years before escaping.

It should be a prerequisite for those returning to POF to explain exactly how they ended up on POF, especially if they found love and then lost it. At least going to POF would be more entertaining. I really have no POF stories of note-- I quit out of annoyance. Thrice. (Who says thrice anymore? Me. That's who.)

So I could share a random dating disaster story for shits and giggles.

Like this gal, only way bigger.
I like my gals thick, what can I say?

I once dated a "Gothic Chick" when I was in my 20s. She was younger than me, which is a rare thing for me, as I am a certified Cougar Hunter (tm). It was fairly intense. She even had me wear her spiked collar, which led to many offers of Kibbles and Bits from my co-workers. At any rate, we dated a couple of months and on my birthday, we went to a rock concert. She was always hanging around this girl she claimed was her cousin. So back to this rock concert-- as I'm making out with my girlfriend, her cousin gives me the Evil Eye. I asked my girlfriend what's up with her cousin, and her reply was the cousin just wanted me.

Well, after we broke up, I ran into a friend of the Gothic Chick. As you may have suspected, this cousin was not her cousin. The day I dumped Gothic Chick, she informed me she was bisexual and had a girlfriend. Well, her friend informed me this "cousin" was actually Gothic Chick's girlfriend! And to think I bought the cousin's concert ticket as well.

To think, I was the only one out of the loop here. I honestly didn't know. I was pissed at the time but now I think it's fucking hilarious. No, I wasn't offered a Three-Way (and not the Skyline Chili kind), but if she offered I would have said HELL NO! I'd prefer the Skyline Chili 3-way because it is tasty. I never liked this "cousin." But I digress.

Does a bad date beat no date at all? I guess at the time we all think so. Maybe that's why we keep going back to POF. For some of us, what other alternative do we have?

I do have some POF dating disasters, though they don't beat the Goth Gal story. Maybe I'll share them on a bad day.

The "Angie POF Gal" part 2: So are men really that bad?

I created this blog as a rant against the things women do on the POF site that annoy me. In the interest of fairness, I took the advice of a reader and, for a week, I took on the persona of the "Angie POF Gal." So, after walking a mile in virtual high heels, the time has come to settle the age old question-- just how different are men and women on the online dating sites.

Allow me to take a moment and get the stuffy methodology out of the way. As I explained in Part 1, I created a profile that was simple and non-threatening, even a bit suggestive. I used the picture of a woman I once dated who lives three states away so no one would suspect anything. I did nothing to bring attention to "Angie." Angie read no profiles or sent any messages. Angie simply logged in and waited.

Angie didn't have to wait long to get responses. In the first three hours (on a lazy Sunday morning), Angie got 25 messages. By Monday, Angie had gotten close to 70. I had real life work to do, so during the week I had not spent much time logging Angie in. But by the end of the week, Angie had received 125 messages and 147 people wanted to "meet" Angie.

I was hoping for some o those legendary nasty opening messages that women claim to get regularly. I have to say I found NO evidence of that occurring. Sadly, messages to Angie were mundane. Nearly all were of the following theme -- "Hi, how are you, you're beautiful, I'm [insert name], do you want to meet/ chat?" At least half were little more than one or two words, "hi/ hey beautiful." Angie got one cheesy "did it fall when you fell from heaven?" I almost broke kayfabe when I read it. I wanted to reply, "No, I landed on two naked people in the Garden of Eden and I was so grateful I made them an apple pie."

Of course, I did see a few losers -- a couple of guys with names like "$hort dog" (dollar-hort dog? Is it kosher?), Bigstud (big as in fat, and more dud than stud), and "inches deep" (two inches maybe?). I did see a few shirtless pics of moobs (I guess shirtless pics are the equivalent of the from-the-top cleavage shot the ladies love to do), bathroom selfies (geez, the ladies look silly doing it, men look that much worse) and one person used LIFESTYLE CONDOMS as his profile pics, and another had a penis as his pic.

But all in all, I saw nothing that shows than men act crazier than the women on this site. Whether it was like this BEFORE POF changed their dating policies to weed out the assholes sooner, I cannot tell. POF has changed a bit lately. In fact, a couple of the 100+ people contacting Angie had a deleted profile. Who knows why?

Before I move on, I have to rant for a second. I saw a fair amount of behavior on both men's AND women's profiles. Yes, we're all looking for love (or sex), but I was amazed at how many men piss and moan about their online dating woes or how much POF sucks and how many people are fake/ game players, etc. I could almost cut and paste many of my rants about women, change the words to men, and repost, and it would save me a LOT of typing.

So, can we finally put the stereotype of black men preferring "thick women" and white men preferring skinny blondes to rest? We should. As I mentioned in Part 1, Cincy is pretty close to even when it comes to racial demographics (53% white/43% black). But what I found interesting is the demographic of Angie's potential suitors.

Of the 125 people who messaged Angie, 37 were black, 76 were white, 7 were Other Races, 5 were unknown (they were deleted or had no pic). Of the 149 who wanted to "meet" Angie, 28 were black, 115 were white, 4 were other races, and 4 were unknown (no pic). If you believe the stereotype, given the demographics, you should expect the numbers of whites and blacks courting Angie to be even or even favoring blacks. Well, the numbers say otherwise. The discrepancies between the "meet" group and the message group is smaller among black men than with white men.

I can reasonable conclude that the myth about the preferences of white men and black men are dispelled. Also, it is obvious that the black men are more apt to at least say hi rather than just play with the "meet me" feature than the white men. And no, dick pic or Lifestyles man did not message Angie (and if you care to know, they were both white).

Only 4 sent more than one message, but no one resorted to angry messages.

After playing Angie POF Gal for a week, I have come to this conclusion-- the only thing separating the men from the women on this site is the attention factor. Women don't have to work for attention. "Angie" was, after all, a gal I dated who was 5'2, brunette, and "thick" (170 but shapely). She wasn't a supermodel but pretty. I suppose I could try with other shapes and sizes someday. But regardless, "Angie" had a problem I could only dream about with my real profile-- the amount of interested people. I could tally in every message I ever received with my real profile in three years and multiply it by 10 and not got what "Angie" got in a day. men are more forthcoming. It is no secret.

Men can act like jerks, and men can piss and moan about rejection (and Lord knows I'm a master of it at times) but I think women tend to be a bit more sensitive to the negativity of the site.

Ladies-- Please, stop bitching about the quality of the men. You have set ridiculously high standards and have your pick of hundreds of suitors. If you don't like the ones messaging you, read a few profiles and strike up a virtual conversation. It isn't that hard!

Guys-- Stop bitching about women who don't message you back. They get hundreds of messages PER DAY! And for the few of you who do this, please, no shirtless pics, sick dick pics, degrading headlines, and the like (if you refer to a woman as a "bitch" the only bitch you'll ever get is the four legged kind).

I guess I'll keep Angie around a little bit, so I may rant more in the future.

The "Angie POF Gal" part 1

A couple of months ago, I decided to write this blog to gripe about my struggles with online dating, particularly on Plenty Of Fish, because it is free for the most part. Well, one of my readers suggested I make a female online dating profile and gauge responses.

I have to admit, I was reluctant to do it. After all, I am a man, and exclusively heterosexual, so reading messages from men potentially telling me they want to "tap 'dat az" is not my idea of a lazy Sunday afternoon. But, after reading my share of ALL CAPS rants from female profiles tired of getting "nasty messages" from men, I decided to take the plunge.

So, for a day, The "Angry POF Guy" underwent a virtual sex change operation and became the "Angie POF Gal." No joke, I literally called my female profile "Angie POF Gal."

I know. Very clever, huh?

Seeing as how I was playing a silly game for the sake of writing an article for this humble blog, I have self-imposed a few guidelines.

First, I tried my best to make a mundane yet somewhat unique profile-- something that is inviting but not blatantly "my legs are spread eagle." Nothing bitchy, condescending, or negative. Something that implies you can get away with sounding a bit like a jerk to get Angie's attention (since I chose Cincinnati as my target, I made a local reference just for authenticity purposes)

A real masterpiece. I expect a Pulitzer Prize for this award-winning profile!

Second, I have made it a point NOT to read profiles before they contact Angie. Back when I was serious about finding dates, I perused lots of profiles, so I wanted to see if it was truly easier for women.

Third, I intentionally picked Sunday Morning as my day to introduce "Angie" to the world. Why Sunday? It seems to be the day of the least activity. Most activity takes place towards Friday and Saturday on the site. As you can see, I am trying to balance my little experiment.

Before I move on to the results, there was one unresolved question-- what picture should I use? I thought about using a porn star pic, but a "Tin Eye" search could easily blow my cover (FYI, TinEye is a service that allows you to search pictures on the internet to see if they are found on other websites). Luckily for me, I was once engaged to a gal who had a real aversion to the internet, and thankfully, she lives in another state. She was about 5'2 and 170 pounds, but she worked out a lot so she was what some people would call "thick." I had a picture of her wearing the stereotypical red party dress-- not too revealing but with enough cleavage to get attention. Perfect.

So at about 11am or so, Angie POF Gal went online. As usual, I get that introductory email from "Markus" welcoming Angie to POF. I had not even finished deleting that canned message when Angie received her first message. I went to fix a sandwich.in the time it took me to slap some cold cuts between two slices of bread with some mustard, three more messages came.

By 2pm, when I started working on this article, Angie has received 25 messages, and 20 guys want to "meet" Angie. It certainly exceeded expectations, considering the time frame and my lack of interaction with everyone.

As a result of all the negative profiles I have read from women, my first expectation is a lot of jerks making comments about Angie's ample bosom or her pretty jet black hair. Well, of the first 21 messages, none were anything more than mundane "hi,' "how are you," a couple of "hey sexy/ beautiful," and similar comments. Nothing groundbreaking. No nasty comments, no sexual references (unless you could getting a simple "hey sexy" from a man using a screen name with "well hung" as part of his screen name).

Cincinnati's demographics are 53% white and 43% black, so it is fairly close to even-- at least far higher than the national average-- 73% white, 13% black). The stereotype, of course, is that white guys prefer a skinny blonde and black guys like a "thick" gal. Well, of the 23 guys who messaged in the first three hours, 16 were white, 7 were black, one was Arab, and one had no pic (and remember I'm not reading profiles yet). Of those who said they want to meet Angie, 15 were white, 4 were black, and one was "other" (I think Hispanic going by the pic). So far, it isn't looking good for the black guys want thick girls myth.

Of the 87 men who actually viewed Angie, 25 sent messages, so roughly a third were impressed. Compare that to my real profile, where well over a hundred women viewed my profile yet I received less than 10 responses. It goes without saying men are more willing to make the first move, but tend to write little more than the simple "hi, you are beautiful, wanna chat?" Where is all the "lets get naked and do it" comments?

So far, my first impression is this. Guys do make the first move, and maybe some guys have a one-track-mind, but I believe the ones who do aren't hiding it, and women just tend to get easily offended by the ones who do.

Now, by the time I published this, my experiment was over. I decided later on to wait till Saturday to delete the profile. Don't worry, I will share my final results soon.

The Angry POF guy's original profile

I stumbled upon my original Angry POF profile the other day. This is the profile that inspired this blog and got a lot more attention than my real-life profile.

The story behind it is quite simple-- I am just an average guy with decent writing skills who wasn't finding much success on POF. One day I simply became agitated and wrote this fake profile. This fake profile received more positive responses than my real profile. I don't know why, I was intentionally trying to be a jerk. But whatever.

Amazingly it was up a full year before POF deleted it. I suppose someone FINALLY was offended by the profile. (By the way, you can right-click the pics to see them in full size so you can read it).

Headlines!

Jay Leno is retiring next year (or maybe is being forced out), so soon there will be no more Headlines. It is sad.

But reading some of the headlines from POF can be hilarious. Lets be honest, it is hard to come up with a catchy headline. Some try to be funny, some sad, some that make you wonder why this person even tried. Am I angry? Yes. Mean? I try not to be. But sometimes someone just rubs me the wrong way.

So lets look at a few actual headlines, as I give my personal opinion on them:

"Did you read the profile before you messaged me?" -- No, I looked at yer' bewbeez. It was hard not to when the Headline was next to a blonde woman with a gratuitous cleavage shot. Which brings me to a valid complaint. Why do women make those pictures of their butts poking out of that facepic angle from above (the one that slightly chubby women use to minimize the double chin effect while emphasizing the cleavage; yes you know what I mean).

like this...

Men are visual, and these women know it, yet get offended when guys respond.

"Read profile or dont contact me" -- Aw shoot, too late. I don't take orders very well, my bad :)

"I'm kind of a big deal...People know me" -- Well I don't. The person who wrote this was going by the name of a certain cute female Batman Villain. Now, I have no problems with cosplayers, and a maid outfit on a woman is a regular fantasy of mine, but the Headline screams Alpha Female. I prefer a bit of humility, personally, because this headline screams high maintenance.

"I'm not a "BAD B ***" I'm a GOOD Woman" -- I am afraid to open this one. This headline warns me the profile will likely start with the infamous all-caps emasculating rants about how terrible all men are.

"I thought this was a seafood site/ Glub Glub/ Gone fishing/Dipping my toe in..." -- There are so many fish-puns in the headlines section that I have developed a seafood allergy reaction just be reading all of them. I wonder if guys use puns like Master Baitor...

"I`M SEXY AND I KNOW IT/ There's Something About a Truck/See you, space cowboy, etc." -- Using song titles or references as Headlines is as lame as an overplayed song. When I see this I think of more fitting songs like "Beat It." I'm willing to bet in Seattle, there are hundreds of "Sleepless in Seattle" references.

"haha im back :)" -- Thanks for the warning. I've been back three times now.

"where the real men at.........not on this site" -- I could say the same about the women.

"NOT LOOKING TO HOOK UP!!/ really..dont message me for sex..smh  "-- Then why are you here? Complaining about it in your headline won't help. Most guys use the gallery format anyways.

"Can't get no betta than me..." -- Sounds silly coming from a middle aged white woman. This is passable only if you are 18 and listen to Flo 'Rida (still the dumbest rap artist name evah'). I don't know exactly what age this type of talk sounds stupid coming from an adult, but I would suggest at 36, that's too old!

word.

"Tired of the bs" -- You and me both, Sister.

Markus tries to stuff the pirhanas back in the proverbial Pandora's Box.

Hello, my fellow POF masochists! No doubt you got one of these messages in your inbox. This damned cockblocker has officially killed my Cougar fantasy so I was so pissed I deleted my real profile. Anyways, there have been a few noticeable changes to POF over the years, most notably the loss of a few features that were once free. Simple little things like if a person read a message you sent. Seems the only one fishing is Markus! These changes are more dramatic than he realized. So my rant for tonight is limited to this message.

#1: The sexual message ban: As a strict legalist, I demand a full explanation of this. I am a man, so I almost see this as a challenge to see how far the envelope can be pushed.

Men (and my ex-wife) have a propensity to turn any act of inserting one object into another object into a sexual reference.

"I'll stuff my fortune in your cookie."

My ex made that one up and got so tickled she pissed her pants and soaked the couch. It is no wonder she told me I can keep that couch after we broke up. But I digress.

#2: the 15-year age rule: Markus believes that the only purpose for any two people of such an age difference is to hook up. I happen to prefer dating women as much as 20 years my senior. That is my preference. I'm also in my mid-30s. Am I at risk to be victimized by a geriatric sexual predator?

Racquel Welch, age 70. *slurp*

Personally, if by small chance Susan Sarandon, Ann-Margaret, Marie Osmond, Sophia Loren, Bernadette Peters, or even Kirstie Alley stumbled upon POF, I hate the thought of missing that opportunity to date one of them just because a few 18-year-olds complained of getting flirts from some old codgers. This is the internet, after all. It gives men testicles of steel, and women, well, whatever you want to call the female equivalent of balls. Ovaries of steel?!?

#3: No more Intimate Encounters: Well, y'all, it looks like POF is going to wither away and die. It was fun while it lasted. I think contributing this to the cell phone app it a bit of a stretch.  One of my readers has actually suggested I sign up as a hot chick just for kicks, so Markus may be right on this one. (As an aside, there needs to be a category for those of "other" gender identifications such as transsexual).

That being said, it seems a feel-good measure. We can all read between the lines. "No commitment" and "wants to date but nothing serious" = "hookup." It wouldn't be Plenty of FISH if there weren't any HOOK-ups (love those fish puns). But then it goes from that straight into the "relationship." Isn't this as unreasonable as expecting sex on the first date. I'm just as creeped-out by a woman planning a wedding on a first date? (And yes, I have had a few like that.)

Markus has opened Pandora's Box and now wishes to stuff the demons back in the box. Good luck with that.

Random POF Profile Rants: Human mutilation, Eating Hobbits, and Background Checks

Hello, fishies! Sorry I haven't been around much, but life happens. Anything to get away from the "joys" of online dating is fine by me. But I have a blog to maintain and people to entertain, so here I am!

Now that I am finished ranting about the basics of the POF website, the real fun of reading random profiles begins. It is very hard to believe the things people actually put on their dating profiles. This begs the question – if a picture is worth 1000 words, then what is a screenshot of words worth? In this case, probably a few good laughs. Let us begin. ( The following screenshots are of actual POF profiles. I most cases, they are unaltered except to remove any identifying information.)




COMMENT: I can only imagine how low your self-esteem must be to even bother messaging a woman who write such a comment at the beginning of her profile.  Not only does this woman   qualify for a lifetime supply of lithium, chances are any man unfortunate to be with her will eventually need some form of mind altering substance to maintain a stable relationship with this individual. Remember that in many ways, online dating is like a job interview.  Imagine going to a job interview and cussing out your potential employer the moment you step into his office. How many people have gotten a job by screaming at the interviewer? This is the POF, not the WWE.

COMMENT:  What kind of fruit bat requests a background check on the first date? In my previous post, I discussed how some POF profiles resembled government security clearance checks, then I find this on an actual profile , and it blew my mind! I am simply amazed she did not add a polygraph and a penile plethysmograph to her list of demands. (I hope she is not reading this, I do not want to give her any more ideas.) It is worth noting that before Ted Bundy was arrested for his murder spree, he had no prior record. That is how he went undetected all these years.  A serial killer, once caught, never leaves prison, so a background check is not going to catch one.

My Comment:

Sorry, couldn't resist =p. Seems okaly but let's be honest, I am not sure you could find someone with all those qualifications on POF. Moving on...

COMMENT: She may not take drugs, but she may want to consider taking something prescribed by a psychiatrist. This lady is a real Jekyll and Hyde. "I don't like Public Displays of Affection maybe if its with the right person!" Which is it? Do you like kissing in public or not? "Don't expect me to hold your hand and kiss you if I just meet you 10 min ago!?!" When you place a question mark between two exclamation points, is Internet lingo for you are asking a question hysterically.

While we are on the subject of being picky, I am quite picky about grammar. To say you discriminate against people with "bad BREATHE" implies you have a problem with people born with asthma.  Breath= exhale, breathe=inhale+exhale. That e makes a difference.

How does one loose 40 pounds? Is it loosed TD Jakes style?

Right now, there is a gray-eyed, asthmatic, bearded cat lover spared the joys of meeting this crazy woman online. Y

 

COMMENT:

No, you won't. You are just a one-time shopper.

No, you won't. You are just a one-time shopper.

No, you won't. You are just a one-time shopper.



No, you won't. You are just a one-time shopper.



 

COMMENT:

Nothing brings two people closer together than the mutual mutilation of a human body. Speaking of mutilation, Notre Dame was mutilated in the national championship game by the Crimson Tide 42-14. So to date this woman, you must truly be sadistic for wanting to torture others, and masochistic for cheering for football teams that suck major ass.

COMMENT:

There is nothing quite like good old-fashioned online drama! I would like to note that despite supposedly being on POF to try to catch her cheating significant other, she spent an awful lot of time filling out her personality profile and posting pictures of herself, so apparently the shark is on the hunt for some other kind of prey.

COMMENT: No, This is not the same person as the background check lady, but she may as well be. I have to admit  I am a bit confused; I think I made that proverbial wrong turn at Albuquerque and have transcended the fine line between POF and career builder.com. Lady, you don't  want POF, you want millionaires.com.










Last but not least: Frodo! DO NOT DATE THIS WOMAN! Do hobbits taste like chicken?

DON'T GO IN THERE! The POF Forums

Lets be honest-- the internet brings out our inner douchebag, or, if you wax philosophical, an exercise in Discordianism. We all know it. We hear stories of people committing suicide after being targeted by cyber-bullies and the like. But no, that shit NEVER happens on POF. Everybody is just so nice, friendly, and sociable, and eager to date.....

Are we done bullshitting yet? If you are like a large number of individuals, you probably went in, made a profile, had a lot of rejection r were turned off by the number of people bitching you out for shit you haven't even done yet. By the time you've been accused of being a potential sex fiend or run through the gamut of personal space violations that make TSA groping feel like a disinterested glance you begin second guessing yourself.

Still less intrusive than POF's personality tests

Then one night you discover that POF has an online forum. What could go wrong? Just think about it. The Internet encourages troll behavior. There are people who just love to watch the world burn. And there are people who are just "here for the forums." A LOT of people.

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts9630046.aspx

So anyways, POF no longer has a link to the forums from the site. That's probably a good thing, when you consider drama happens in every forum. So when you are brokenhearted, the last thing you want is to be attacked or ridiculed by other hurt people.

So let me save you a shitload of aggravation and flame wars (unless you ARE one of those people who love flinging fire), and I will share with you the single piece of good advice you will ever need to hear.

Yup. This is all you need to know. This little single post sums up POF in a nutshell. What more can I honestly say to add to it? Memorize it and memorize it well.

I meant to spend more time on this but after reading the forums, getting a shrink and an antidepressant is in order. Trust me when I say this:

The Stanford Dating Experiment: Douchebags versus Nice Guys-- Do nice guys really finish last?

I won't pick on anyone today, for the moment, so I will do my impersonation of the usual generic catch-all POF profile.

GENERIC SINGLE GIRL ABOUT ME: I am looking for an honest, dependable, funny man who has his life together and knows what he wants in life. The ideal man should be romantic, a good listener, and attentive to me needs.

Most female profiles read like this in so many words. After spending years on POF, I have seen plenty of catch phrases. A women wants a man who is DEPENDABLE (has a j-o-b, ambitious, driven), wants a RELATIONSHIP (wants more than just sex, not here to play games), is THOUGHTFUL (romantic, good listener, attentive, and that can include intimacy details like cuddling or selflessness in bed).

Hey I can't cap on that! No problems here. What I CAN cap on is the fact that what women SAY and what they WANT are two different things. But we can't really fault women, well not entirely. Many women were raised on fairy tales, so they grew up with this notion they'd meet some dashing, stud-muffin-ly (and rich as fuck) Prince Charming who will rescue them from dragons and they will in love and live Happily Ever After.

Fucking Disney.

Or for the more grown up, non-cartoony crowd, there's the "wealthy millionaire saves pretty harlot from whoredom and lives happily ever after."

Fucking Julia Roberts.

So from early in our lives, that bar of expectation is ridiculously high. But at some point, reality sets in. Princes aren't always so handsome....

And the richest man in the world is older than Methuselah:

I was just thinking, it must really piss off immigrant-haters to know the richest man
in the world lives there. Carlos Slim. Even richer than Bill Gates.

But when you have $73 BILLION, that doesn't matter. So at some point, those spoon fed this Happily Ever After (tm) bullshit, after their world collapses, seek a cheap substitute. And there is no cheaper substitute than POF (seeing as how it is free and all).

If you are Average Joe, you are already at a real disadvantage. The irony is the "nice guy" is the PERSONALITY profile of the fairy tale prince. The handsome prince is the type that will lay down his life for his love and go out of his way to prove his love, sacrificing himself for her, turning his life around if he's the bad boy type. That's the worst one of all. The handsome bad boy reformed by the love of a woman. But the human being obtains most information about the world through the eyes. So my hypothesis is women equate the more physically appealing men with what they are looking for in a man. Unfortunately, our society has an interesting take on what is attractive. Since mass media is our biggest influence, a large portion of our society thinks this is hot:

What does this tell you? Love isn't blind but could use some thicker glasses. Again, our pop culture has further skewed the concepts of beauty and desirability. Nasty orange skin, shark fin haircuts, silly facial expressions, all of which are the hallmarks of current douhebaggery. Women claim they don't like these arrogant punks but they always seem to get the girl, while Mister Nice Guy just gets the cold shoulder.

So is it really true nice guys finish last? First, lets look at some boring-ass-statistics that are probably full of shit. The site Statistics Brain has a page on Online dating statistics. This site claims ONLY 49% of people claim looks are the primary factor in choosing a prospective date. Well, just because I'm a lazy bastard, I will just post a few more interesting stats:

The numbers seem encouraging enough. So 38% of women claim they like "nice guys" and only 15% like "bad boys." Yet, we see the douchebag Alpha-Males get the girl so much in the media. So what gives? Is there any truth to it, or is it just another media lie? And honestly, are those answering the questions, the same online daters who openly lie on their own fucking profiles, answering THESE questions honestly in the first place?

Well, there was research that suggests the myth has some merit. A 2012 study from the University of Texas-San Antonio (UTSA) suggests when women ovulate, they are more likely to choose the rebellious bad-boy type, deluding themselves into believing this asshole will be a great provider and devoted partners. So you know how women love to throw up in the faces of men how we love to think with our "little heads"? Well, now you know the women are not that much different when it comes to the physical body, they are fundamentally not much different than men. So is it fair to say many women think with their vaginas?

There is some evidence to suggest nice guys get overlooked, at least in the business world. One study measured human behavior in a business setting. The definition of a nice guy in this study is very specific, namely agreeability and the penchant for avoiding conflict/ confrontation. Those who were agreeable were paid less on average. Those who were "assertive" or "aggressively advocating their position during conflicts" earned more money. Not necessarily being a jerk, but being able to assert yourself was a factor in getting what you want.

But, if you really want to dig deep, read the study "Physical Attractiveness and the Nice Guy Paradox: Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?" This study concludes that while BOTH physical attraction and niceness ranked high with women, the #1 factor depends on motivation. If a gal wants a relationship, niceness becomes #1. If a gal wants a piece of ass, then good looks become #1.

Of course, all this research could be a heaping, steaming pile of bullshit.

So I decided to play a little game. In the spirit of the famous Stanford Prison Experiment, let us call my little experiment the "Stanford Dating Experiment." I created two profiles-- one regular guy profile, and one douchebag profile. Mr. Nice Guy was played by me, of course. The "real me," my real face, personality, interests (no way in hell I'm sharing it with you for anonymity reasons. Nice try, though). My alternate profile is my "douchebag" profile. Now I found a random pic of some young blonde punk wearing a t-shirt that reads, "Never trust anything which bleeds for five days and never dies," and I wrote a comments that made it obvious the profile was as fake as a three-dollar bill.

As an aside, some dumbass got arrested for trying to buy something with one of these.

By now you are probably tired from the intellectual overload so I'll give you the lowlights. No surprise, the douchebag profile received eight positive responses, IN JUST ONE DAY, plus I got a phone number and a date offer. Nice guy profile got five positive responses IN ONE YEAR.

If you read my previous article, the first dating review post from yesterday, I have to mention the one girl who told me that she was looking for a "FWB" responded to Douchebag but not to Nice Guy. Based upon my personal experience, I can conclude that online daters tend to prefer assholes.

The relative anonymity of the internet allows individuals to engage in unethical behavior. It even has a technical name -- The Online Disinhibition Effect (apparently they couldn't come up with a catchy acronym). For the non-technical, the Internet allows us to act like total assholes because even though we have given a lot of personal info to POF, we're still relatively anonymous. Unless you have the memory of a steel trap or took notes, then chances are you wouldn't recognize anyone here offline (and if you memorized these people and took notes, dude, you have issues).

Speaking of trolls, whatever you do, don't enter the POF forums. Many people have wandered into that terrible part of this virtual pond, where the virtual piranhas wait to tear you apart. Woe to those  who wade in its depths. You've been warned. So next on POF, lets go visit the forums.

Here fishy fishy. Welcome to the POF forums. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

"Follow me, and I will make you fishers of women." Or not. Popping the POF cherry

Welcome to hell, dating fiends! In my last post, we discussed the humiliation of simply signing up for Plenty Of Fish.

So now the REAL fun begins. You can use the Search feature, which is more specific, or hit the "online" feature to see any lady (since I'm a guy I'll be speaking from the heterosexual male perspective) within I assume to be 50 miles of your zip code who is online at the time. My experience is the "chat" function works about as often as a "Hail Mary" pass so don't expect any miracles there.

Whichever poison you pick, you will at some point settle on viewing somebody's profile. Lets be honest here-- most of us are going to judge by looks. That includes you ladies, don't deny it! Well I look at the profiles. Why? Because no matter how hot a woman is, attitude is a deal breaker.

Well, without further ado, lets start viewing a few profiles.

Profile #1

Well I found  nice looking 31-year-old lady. She's a nice looking gal, and the first pic is what you first expect, a decent up-close face shot with a smile. Okay. So I click, and this is what I see....

Because nothing gets a guy going like pics of a girl poking out her booty and some random black guy that, at first glance, looks to be flipping you off, I just had to read more. You know you want to.

Now, if you like ghetto culture, more power to you. But I'm not a fan of it. And to be honest, I have more difficulty understanding "Street" than I do those outsourced tech support guys over the phone. I could use a little help from anyone who can translate this woman's profile:

Okay. Its a mix of street AND redneck! FUK ALL YALL... ERRRY LAST ONE A YALL!!!! What is "NEWAYZ"? Is that a new R&B group?

This begs the question. At what age should an adult stop talking this way? At 31, I feel this gal is pushing the limits. She may be a sweetheart in reality but I think I'll pass. I need to date someone I can understand. Moving on...

PROFILE #2

This is why I prefer the search mode to the Online/ Gallery mode. Headlines sometimes warn us of what is ahead. So what does this headline tell you?

I blocked out her face but trust me, there's a very attractive woman here. But that headline scares me. "Tired of being hurt." That may be true, and who likes being hurt? BUT, when I see I envision our first date will play like a Freudian counseling session. The only way you'll have her on the couch is if she's laying on it, exploring the pains of childhood while you take notes from a distant but antique wooden desk.

PROFILE #3

This one is a lot of fun. I'll just let the pics speak for themselves here. First off, I hate the use of the term "Ur."

This is Ur, dammit.

Ur is that place in Mesopotamia where father Abraham was allegedly born (modern day Iraq for those who care to know). Smart people don't use Ur to say "you are." Sorry, text talk and ghetto slang are pet peeves of mine.

So what does she really want, I wonder? Thought I'd ask.

Why people can't be honest on this site, I don't know. Why not just say it? And it seems a tad hypocritical to not date anyone with a few extra pounds when she isn't exactly Kathy Ireland. To each their own I guess. Moving on.

Profile #4

Holy shit! Its Brooke "Southern Brooke" Lawson! Shit, I wish. Apparently, this is a fairly WELL KNOWN scammer using Southern Brooke.

http://www.romancescam.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=35472&p=186033

How did I know this was a "pr0n" star? Well, um, "Ur", err... lets just call it a hunch? At any rate, there is also a site called "tineye" that allows you to post a link or a downloaded picture and find any instance that pic is on the internet. It is not foolproof, but it is just a small way of protecting yourself. So enough porno dreams. Southern Brooke is NOT going to let your fat nasty ass (or mine) go southern on her brook.

POF gets a lot of derision. Plenty Of Fakes, Plenty Of Frauds, Plenty Of Fools, Plenty Of Fuckoffs, etc. Let this site be a warning. Be sure of what you are getting yourself into.

Next, do women prefer douchebag men? Find out in the Stanford Dating Experiment!

-- Angry POF Guy.